I bundled up all the packages I wanted to mail out for Xmas last Friday and carried three heavy bags to the Post Office on Saturday. And arrived at 4:10 to find the doors locked because they close early on Saturday.

So...I braved a torrential downpour this morning to go to the PO and get these packages out Priority so they arrive before xmas. And that was a long steamy wait at the PO with one clerk working and then heavy rain coming home and I feel like that should be enough for today.

And yet there are several other things that must be done today, so my impulse to curl up in the chair in the window and drink coffee and watch the rain come down while listening to melancholy carols will not suffice.

Matilda's therapist told her, "Let's face it - there's no way this Christmas won't be shitty."

And I understand that her therapist wants to validate Matilda's grief and sad feelings. But that was so deflating for me.

It's hard enough generating Xmas on my own without JZ here to collaborate. I just felt so undercut.

It's mostly me and Ms. Nihilism at home and while we have the tree up and decorated it feels really hard to generate any xmas feeling.

I asked Emmett and Kalena to come over but they haven't. Emily couldn't come over last week, and I am getting buried in Consequential Details Which Require Attention and Executive Function.

All I'm feeling is a pressure to get shopping done, plus the aforementioned details.

Oh David, I just wish we could descend on your house with a wave of Christmas Cheer and give that to you and Matilda!

Timelies all!

Healing~ma to PiBoy, Nilly,

Yeah, it's one thing to be like "Don't expect too much," or "Be kind to yourself if there are *times* when you don't feel great."(especially as a therapist) "Fuck it, burn it down" is different.(Maybe that's what M heard, not what was actually said? Sometimes these are not quite the same things...) And the rotten part for Hec would be that if you did what she wants, right now, and it's NFG, and ignore it, there's not really a guarantee that you won't be with a different shrink in five years talking about "Where were you the Christmas that Mom died?" So, I'm sorry, babe. And I really am sorry for her, too, even if I'm flippant and stuff. (If there is anyway I could help, I'd like to try.) I know JZ would not want her sitting around being tragic, though.)

Maybe that's what M heard, not what was actually said?

That was a direct quote from the therapist. Probably not expecting it to get to my ears.

In fairness to Matilda: 1) She caught up with her ceramics work and honestly it's a huge step up in both her craft and vision. She's captured powerful emotions in simple, well executed shapes; 2) She came home today and banged out her application for summer work with Parks and Rec. That involved two fairly detailed online forms that took at least 45 minutes of writing. She didn't need any help from me; 3) Her friend Alison came over after school and they were laughing together in her room.

Pix, tons of ~ma to your dad and to you. I'm sorry you're having to go through this. Hoping at least you can find a decent place for him.

David, I totally get why the therapist's remark felt so bad. I wonder, though, if there's a way to reframe it. What I take from it isn't "It's going to be shitty even though your dad is trying his absolute hardest to make it a nice day, what a fool's errand." What I hear is "It's going to be a rough day so be gentle with yourself and take the pressure off wherever you can." I realize I'm coming at this fresh from the memory of my last Christmas, the first without my mom, which was full of love and joy and still absolutely gutting and weird and wrong without her. Both can coexist.

I hope you get to see Emmett and Kalena soon.

What I hear is "It's going to be a rough day so be gentle with yourself and take the pressure off wherever you can."

Yeah, that's how I read it. Like, "Missing your mom at Christmas will hurt, and feeling shitty is okay." Because she'll move all the way through her feelings. She won't just get stuck in feeling shitty.

Yeah, that's how I read it. Like, "Missing your mom at Christmas will hurt, and feeling shitty is okay."

I'm sure that was what the therapist meant. She didn't do anything wrong.

It's just that we're a house of two now and when one of them has license to punt on the Holiday that doesn't leave me much to work with.

Matilda is not obliged to try. As the parent though, I am.

Side note to all this, one thing I've had to mull over a lot this year is seeing people step up in different capacities to help.

And the thing is....it's asymmetrical.

It's not as elegant a formulation as Jesse's "Different People Like Different Shit" (so I need to work on the phrasing) but I've been thinking/feeling "Not Everybody's Good At Everything."

Like, Emmett was a champ when we were traveling to LA every two weeks, picking up all the slack when Emilly couldn't cover or our flights or treatments were delayed.

Could not have done it without him.

But he wasn't as present when JZ was in home hospice and hasn't been as supportive/thoughtful since her death.

And one of the women who was huge when we had hospice was Hannah. But Hannah was also the mother of Matilda's friend who abandoned her and cut her out during COVID and was completely oblivious to that damage, and also didn't realize how her absence at that time hurt Jacqueline.

One of my close friends has both parents alive into their 90s and has really never lost anybody she loved, or inner circle in her life. And she hasn't been much help during all this. She doesn't have any insight beyond some shallow nostrums.

But she was the person I assigned making sure I followed up on getting my weird mole (i.e., Melanoma) checked and she was vigilant about it.

It's about forgiveness, and recognizing that you can't lean on one person to meet all your needs at a time like this. And various people will rise to their strengths, but sometimes not overcome their weaknesses. But you love them for what they can give you and not fret about the disappointments.

You've got the "putting the team together" montage there. Now we need to figure out a heist!

Joking aside, life challenges/crises can certainly put the strengths and weaknesses of those around you into pretty stark relief. It's good that you're able to see more than just the weaknesses.