First we mini-meara, then we take Berlin

Oh, Hil, I am so glad you were able to call 911 and are better.

"it was white and square and looked like a tooth"

So he eated it.

And I miss her. And I've missed her for months.

In my experience, which is parental and not the same, you will remember both.

I am not past remembering the very sad part where I was grieving my Dad while he was still alive.

The thing that has helped me when I am remembering too much bad time is a picture of him. He's in the hospital with the niecephews, one on either side. He's been diagnosed but it's still my Dad. He's there in that picture. It's maybe the last one. But that one picture helps me remember him. I remember him.

My book club, which meets this Sat, is reading Wee Free Men which I have been meaning to try, so I just spent my Spravato appt listening to the first bit of it. I’m hooked!

I love all the Tiffany Aching books so much!

I'm just nodding along with the folks talking about grieving, and the process of watching the person you love slowly fade away while they are still alive.

I wish there were not so many of us here who share this.

It is part of the human experience, but boyo is it not fun.

I’m still trying to accept that I’ve seen my mentor for the last time, even though he lives ten blocks from where I work. He only wants his daughters and his wife, which hurts and is frustrating but it isn’t about me. I was actually kind of happy to have the chance to really be there, like I wasn’t able for my mom until the last week. But it’s his end of life, and he’s stubborn and proud and private.

But honestly, I’ve got my emotional hands full with supporting R while they transition and all the other grief and stuff, so maybe I can let that ease me. It’s just frustrating not to be able to give back all the love and support B gave to me.

{{{Smonster}}}

But honestly, I’ve got my emotional hands full with supporting R while they transition and all the other grief and stuff, so maybe I can let that ease me. It’s just frustrating not to be able to give back all the love and support B gave to me.

You can think of it as you *are* giving back, by respecting his wishes and letting him focus on his immediate family in his last days.

You can think of it as you *are* giving back, by respecting his wishes and letting him focus on his immediate family in his last days.

Thank you, yes. That’s hard for me to understand and not take personally, and not what I thought my role would be. I’m practicing letting go the picture of what I thought would be. He knows and his caretakers know that all they have to do is reach out. And that will have to be enough. I did bring R to meet him, on what turned out to be our last visit, and I’m very glad I did.

Anyway. I’m actually perky AF today, mostly. I think listening to a funny book will be a thing I do sometimes at Spravato, maybe it will help with the rewiring. I’m glazing windows, which I enjoy, and listening to more Wee Free Men.

How are folks doing today? I’m making a practice of coming here first instead of fb because I like the flow of conversation and y’all are folks I actually care about and trust.

What's Spravato, smonster? And I'm so sorry about your mentor.

My mom was like that smonster, and I felt bad for the people who wanted to see her and say goodbye, but wanted to go with her wishes.

Y’all I had one migraine in the month I was in Australia and New Zealand. And in the less than a month I’ve been back I’ve had six. I think it’s work. I hate it.

meara, that sounds right. (I meant about work and migraines). My mom was kind of like that, too, but I think her reasoning was a little different. And she did keep visiting with some neighbors until the last few days.

Thanks, Amy. It’s a ketamine derivative that is all the rage for treatment-resistant depression. I refer to it as brain sparkles or getting high under a doctor’s supervision. It’s two hours and I can’t really look at screens because it messes with my vision, so I usually scroll my contacts and call people randomly until someone picks up.

Sometimes I listen to music; in fact, during one I stumbled onto Atropa’s “Endless White Rabbit” playlist and listened to that the whole time. Once I listened to a whole Pink Floyd album and thought, oh it *does* help to be high while listening to this.