tl;dr existential musings, do not read on an empty stomach or while operating motor functions.
But Jacqueline died at home. Not in a hospital. In the house she wanted to live in. She died in San Francisco where Matilda and Emmett were born.
I am immeasurably glad for this fact, David.
Given recent events in my own life, I've been thinking a lot about generational healing...of all kinds of wounds, some we can't even know.
It's a convenient, and wholly manufactured construct, but it has been doing my heart good.
While waiting for my freezer to heal itself this week, the maintenance guy and I chatted about life. I said to him, what I've said to many, "I am completely satisfied with the contributions I've made to this world. No matter what else I might do, I'm good."
He guffawed. Like a full out, unconscious expulsion of disbelief.
So much of society, families and houses of education and commerce are almost all dedicated to maintaining a level of self doubt and interpersonal chaos that make it impossible to enjoy a perfect moment, much less be satisfied with life.
Of course, I have debt, and things that need to be cleaned up in my life, but the big things, the existential things, have all been resolved. For no other reason than I decided they would be so.
I made myself the buck that stops; choosing to take on the burdens of my ancestors and turn them into something useful. There is so much more I want to do...in particular, the retreat center I've dreamt about since 2009...but whether I make it to WitHaven, or not, the original mission is complete.
Thinking about the loss of someone so dear, and vital and with so much more to do, there simply is no rational place to stand. So, I want to believe that JZ was, and is, a critical part in turning whatever was unresolved through her line into the sweetness and sass that she poured into this troubled world.
And that, especially, the built-by-her family, the house, her comfort, the life she made that led to so many people loving and supporting her, was its own miracle.
I remember her fiercely expressing her grief and anger when her beloved Gerri died. I will get to that place...maybe later today...but for this moment, I am just so grateful.
David, I’m so glad you were able to take her home.
My grandfather was home under hospice care for his last six weeks. We had a some quiet conversations during that time, mostly focused on making sure his affairs were in order and my grandmother would be taken care of. At one point, he said to me, quietly, "I'm square with the world." He was a Freemason, so that term had extra meaning for him.
Hospice care is rare here - I only knew one person who went into hospice care before she passed. It sounds like a good way to go, if you get to choose.
Beekaytee, well said. As usual.
When the tapestry talk was happening, it reminded me of a poem that resonated especially with my dad. I asked him to send it to me; here it is.
By W. S. Merwin
Your absence has gone through me
Like thread through a needle.
Everything I do is stitched with its color.
"I'm square with the world." He was a Freemason, so that term had extra meaning for him.
The idea of being square resonates deeply.
By W. S. Merwin
Your absence has gone through me
Like thread through a needle.
Everything I do is stitched with its color.
Oh, I love that so much.
It sounds like a good way to go, if you get to choose.
It really is. A beautiful service when provided well.
I am especially happy to see the profession of 'death doula' growing in our culture.
I love that Merwin poem, monster.
And beekaytee, I love your idea of a retreat center. I would help! I hate that funding and legalities make those things so hard to accomplish.
David, that's wild about the hospital, but I'm overwhelmingly glad JZ got to be at home.
dcp, forgot to say that "square with the world" sentiment really hit me. My grandfather was a Mason, and I actually have his Masonic bible.
"I'm square with the world."
Not a Mason or related to any that I know of, but this is where I am at. There is still a very long list of things I would like to accomplish or see happen, but I'm absolutely in that state of mind. It's a good place to be.
There is so much more I want to do...in particular, the retreat center I've dreamt about since 2009..
I'd like to see that happen.
I wasn't sure where my tiara was during the Zoom call. It was on my bookcase where if I had looked I would have found it.
I think I'm going to wear it the next time I do something creative. Alas my head is not great for hats but one day I will find one.
I got another job interview. A different Walmart than the one Monday. I asked if it was ok if I interviewed for multiple locations and they said yes. So hopefully I'll get a job out of this.
I've been trying to enjoy the limited work hours and time off...or at least appreciate it but it's been hard because there has been so much uncertainty surrounding it. And I just am ready for some certainty with employment.
