We are all ready for her to be released. We are in no way ready for her to be gone.

Love to all of you there as you surround JZ with your care and love for her. As someone said above, it is a privilege to be able to sit vigil with you all in this heartbreaking, infuriating, tender time.

The part of me that lives here in this place with you all is very much at the front of my days right now. I'm here even when I'm not. And I'm here a lot.

We are all ready for her to be released. We are in no way ready for her to be gone.

This is the perfect way to express it.

We are all holding all of you in our hearts. This is a vigil.

I'm still pissed that she won't get to see any more Our Flag Means Death. It's a stupid, small, heartbreaking thing.

I just saw it trending on Twitter, and my first thought was "This is for JZ."

OFMD, is next up in our queue after we finish Reservation Dogs, and I’m angry I won’t be able to talk to Jacqueline about it, and I have had similar feelings about other Buffistas we’ve lost as have already been mentioned here. I couldn’t deal with watching Teen Wolf after it’s passed, because it wasn’t any fun if I couldn’t post with her about it later.

Today is our annual let’s get rid of all the broken things, toys ltc has outgrown, and random things like Happy Meal boxes that she hoards. I have so far cleaned out ltc’s closet, and dresser. Put, everything away nice and neat, and made a big bag of clothes for Stitch. TCG is taking down the spare bed that almost never gets used to make more room for craft supplies and bookcases. And I have reorganized all of ltc’s jewelry, hair ties, etc in the hopes that Iif everything has a place it will actually get put away and also hoping that if ltc can actually see what she has she can put it to better use. Now, I’m going to collapse on my bed for a half hour before we pick up ltc from school.

The part of me that lives here in this place with you all is very much at the front of my days right now. I'm here even when I'm not. And I'm here a lot.

This is me, 100%

My heart aches so much.

ltc read a book that upset her at school about a kid falling and knocking out her teeth, and then she fell leaving the school and burst into tears the minute she got in the car.

So weird to be hoping for a friend to leave us as soon as her body allows. I have been having morbid humor "ascend already!" thoughts for a week or so, and feeling guilty (but also like she'd be amused) right after.

Plei and I are sharing a brain.

I feel marginally guilty that I am checking FB and the Board while I'm in session these days. My focus is generally pretty laser, but I'm distracted.

One of my favorite people asked about Jacqueline today and it was such a relief to be able to come check for David's name here while we were together on Zoom.

I only have two appointments between now and Sunday, having just finished my 3pm. And, just now, a wave of sadness it hitting me. I cherish my philosophy, but it cannot stand against the pain in my own heart and the experience of pain in our community.

Plei and I are sharing a brain.

::high fives you::

I got three black stone bead bracelets at the co-op that's halfway up to Bev's place from mine right around the time my thoughts went to "let her rest now", and, other than sleeping and showering, I'm basically wearing them full-time as worry beads until she's gone where we cannot follow. (Snowflake obsidian, lava rock, and a secret third thing, which, okay, is just "hell if I can remember what the third one was, IDK, onyx or something".)

We all, or most of us, need some sort of ritual.

I also got a notebook, which I'm carrying around in my purse as I wait for something profound to strike me. Thus far, nothing has, but if it does, I'm prepared, damn it.

David, I think having JZ's urn at her desk with postcards is such a lovely idea. When she posted about the desk I was so excited because y'all helped me get my dream desk and then JZ got hers! The perfect writing desk for the attic and that she found it and only got to use it for such a short time is one of those things. Like not being able to see OFMD and all of the other little things.

I don't want JZ to be gone, I want her to be healthy and whole but she can't be and I don't want her in pain and suffering either.

When my dad's father was diagnosed with cancer they moved to a relative's house in town that was empty and not sold (they had been living way out in the country) and when he got to the hospice stage that's kind of where everyone centered. I'm not sure for how long but there was always people there and various relatives cooking or bringing in food , sitting in different rooms, having different conversations, holding vigil. That's kind of what this has felt like.