It’s so raw right now that it’s hard to fathom really. But it seems right.

This. Right here.

I’m going dark for four days. David, you and Jacqueline and Matilda and Emily and Emmett are in my thoughts every day. I wish you all a bit of peace among the sorrow.

Yeah it really raw and quite surreal.

In regard to calculating, a courtesy aunt (she and my mother were best friends in college, were in each other's weddings and remained friends) wanted to wallpaper a room. So she took measurements, did the math; it seemed like a lot of wallpaper, but she took her numbers down to the store. She told the guy how much wallpaper she needed and he said he'd never had that much of any single wallpaper pattern. Ever. So they went over the numbers and finally realized she'd calculated the volume of the room. They redid the math, got a reasonable number and all was well.

As kind of a reverse, I was once talking to some friends and they were trying to figure out how much the carpeting they wanted would be. We figure out the square footage of the room and it seemed to come out really expensive. After some tossing numbers around, we realized that carpeting is sold by the square yard - nine feet - which got it down to, again, something reasonable.

I'm glad the urn math worked out correctly - I was hustling down (so late, I know) to mention that the measurements are exterior & the jar, while quite a lovely blue, is way too small.

So much love and care and yes, worry, for everyone.

Jumping ahead to ask:

Plei: I would like to be made into bling and ink.

Is bone ash-made tattoo ink vegan if it's made from a human who expressly wanted that to happen with their remains?

And now Jacqueline. It’s not fair.

This is where I’ve been stuck. For weeks. It’s not fucking FAIR. I feel like a little kid stomping my feet in a tantrum, wailing about how it’s just not fair.

I too am really struggling with the not-fairness of it all.

As of yesterday, Jacqueline is unresponsive. She's not even opening her mouth for me to put a little sponge in her mouth for her to get some water.

Second day in a row that there was no liquid in her canister from the G-tube pump. Which means her body has no hydration and she's shutting down.

Death by kidney failure is generally considered to be very gentle and serene, with the patient even having feelings of euphoria. I hope so.

When my mom was at this stage it took about 3 days. So I think in the next day or two.

We are all ready for her to be released. We are in no way ready for her to be gone.

I'm crying. But thank you for sharing all this with us David. And thanks to everyone who has better words to share than I do (which is basically everyone).

We are all ready for her to be released. We are in no way ready for her to be gone.

All of you are surrounded by so much love.

We are all ready for her to be released. We are in no way ready for her to be gone.

Well phrased. Been there a few times.

Sympathy. Empathy. Condolences.