It turns out I remembered the phrase wrong - they say “our arms are not tired.”

I like “wings” better. Especially because it includes our non-huggers. 😊

Musings from the "I should be in bed" corner:

This limbo, after the courageous and rational parts of dying, can be so confusing and stressful. The anticipation of release, but not being ready to fully grieve. Often there is a surge of energy that makes it confusing in _different_ ways. There are super predictable elements, but while the passage can be filled with beauty and grace, it can simultaneously be incredibly mundane and draining.

My heart is with you all.

Before I trained in how to be with people in this chapter, while taking care of my great-aunt, I was so terrified of doing something wrong (tl;dr I totally did). I just desperately wanted to honor her and to be exactly what she needed. Along the way, I lost sight of the fact that there simply is no way to be that for anyone. We come in alone, and we go out alone, regardless of how loved and supported we are. It's like walking to the front door of a child's first day of school but not being able to see into the room. It's just not time for us to fully understand.

I was the only caregiver and literally slept less than 3 hours a day for about 3 months. My husband was certain I would die first. He sort of demanded that I finally go to bed, which was on the opposite side of the house from the care room.

He was supposed to wake me up at 6. I rose at 10 and knew instantly, after literally staring at her for months, that she was gone. It was obvious that it hadn't been long. The story I tell myself is that she was so prim that she simply didn't want me watching the hardest part. I also believe that my anxiety kept her anchored. When the doctor told us that there was nothing to be done, (and she was a nominal Christian Scientist, so nothing would have been done anyway) she said, "We are going to do this together, and it will make you stronger." Reader: It did. It genuinely changed me as a human.

I was a terrible disappointment to her in many ways, never mind why I tried to live down to that expectation, but she was right about the impact.

David, my heart breaks for you and Matilda and everyone who loves JZ, (which includes so many of us here). At a time of no real comfort, my own faith finds a tiny bit of ease in knowing that her choice to live so genuinely means that she will be a part of us for generations.

I hope so very much that Jacqueline's too-stubborn body decides to let go. The limbo must be so horrible for her.

Hec, I cannot imagine how hard it is for you to see her like that.

I can officially only sleep during the day while listening to an audiobook. I’m on the couch because I keep waking TCG with my tossing and turning and I may try to put mt earbuds in to see if it works at night.

I don't have the time to write the long post I want to write, with individual words to all of you who shared your lives here recently. All of the posts I semi skimmed between meetings and in commutes, during dinners and breakfasts. But I do love reading your updates - the good, the joyful, the bad and the heartbreaking. Thank you for sharing. Thank you for the joy, the frustration, the pain, and the love.

David, Matilda, Emmett and JZ - I am so sorry, and I carry you in my heart as well. JZ is wrapped in so much love. I hope that you are feeling it too. May it also be a good and peaceful passing.

We're in a weird space. JZ is ready to go. But her body isn't.

This is such a difficult place to be, for all. Part of it is her youth. Her heart and her will to live are still strong, and those around her are not ready to let go yet. When she is ready, and feels those she loves are ready, it will happen.

Stephen insisted on going to the hospital and I sat at his side for 3 days while he was in a coma, after I had signed his DNR. I left the room for 5 minutes to get a coffee with his brother. While I was gone my mother told him he could go now, and he did. Pissed me off that he waited for me to leave, but the nurses said my will was keeping him there. None of us know how this works, but so many times people wait for a loved one to arrive, sometimes they wait for them to leave, but most times, there is no reason in our understanding at all. Mostly I think it is when our loved one is ready.

Holding all of you in my heart.

The story I tell myself is that she was so prim that she simply didn't want me watching the hardest part.

My mom was the same. I was sitting up with her but hadn’t had a shower in days. as soon as I stepped away to take a five minute shower, she finally let go.

JZ is a strong person, and, I daresay, has so much she can’t bear to leave behind. I wish her the peace of mind she needs. You spend so much time fighting for every second of life. it can be hard to let go.

so many times people wait for a loved one to arrive, sometimes they wait for them to leave, but most times, there is no reason in our understanding at all. Mostly I think it is when our loved one is ready.

Yeah.

No words, just love.

When Grandma e finally passed we were there with her in the room but we weren't with her exactly in the moment. We had been focused on her and then someone said something and we got caught up in laughing about a memory and then my uncle's wife realized Grandma E had passed. It was kind of a there but not there moment.

It feels odd to say that I hope that JZ's body catches up soon but I don't want her or any of you to be distressed.

Dana I'm sorry you are dealing with the BS of the medical industry.

Mom has been fighting for months with her insurance over her shots for her knees. Somehow the last time the doctors office either coded something wrong or the insurance changed something because the insurance is only approving for the injection but not the actual medicine. The medicine is the expensive part and no one can really tell her what happene that was different the last time.

Also she needs knee surgery but her duplex has steps up and the landladies have said they can't put in a ramp for..reasons...I told her she needs to talk to her doctor about this before they think about scheduling surgery.