You are both lucky to have each other. I hope you have someone to lean on during this and where you can take some time for yourself to regroup.

Talking to that many doctors and specialists is so draining. I hate that they can't just be more direct about options and recommendations.

Man, that is a lot of work on top of the emotional toll. And physical toll. It's just a lot all around.

I hope you don’t have to advocate too hard, David, to attain what should 100% be Jacqueline’s right to determine. A decision should bring peace and acceptance, not be an invitation for strangers, even if they’re medical professionals, to insert themselves.

Navigating all that you are is so hard, and I’m sorry you and JZ are having to.

She had to be restrained to keep her from pulling the NG tube out. Every time she woke up, I had to help her re-orient, and then she would beg me to "let her loose" until she exhausted herself and fell asleep for another half-hour. I think that was the longest night of my life.

Time for another chapter in the story or Nurse Renee, the Fucking Champ of All Nurses.

As you recall, starting the NG tube on Jacqueline was a torturous nightmare. Three failed attempts by two other nurses was like watching Jacqueline get waterboarded while somebody jabbed a sharp implement up her nose.

Nurse Renee stepped up with her 35 years of experience, pulling the "million dollar tube" out of the back closet, looked Jacqueline in the eye and saying, "I'm very confident that I can place this tube and it won't hurt." And then she did.

So the NG tube is pumping away, sucking greenish brownish gunkish out of Jacqueline's body and off to a discrete canister and Jacqueline falls asleep. (This was on Sunday - the same day we'd shown up at the ER). So I thought that was a good time for me to make a run home and get her phone charger and pajamas and grab some food for myself then return.

I came back and Jacqueline was sitting up and no tube, and looked much better with her belly somewhat deflated. And I thought, "Okay, I guess they got it all out."

Then her nurse came in and said, "Oh. Who took your tube out?"

And Jacqueline said, "I did. When I woke up I panicked and pulled out my tube."

Me: "What? Are you fucking kidding me? After all that work to get it in, after watching you suffer through all that and all you had to do was let it finish!"

Jacqueline: "I'm sorry. You know I spent years typing up doctor notes and every time I typed up 'patient self-extubated' I'd think, 'That's stupid! Why would they do that'."

Now let's do a quick quiz and see how well you all know me.

Did I at this point take a deep breath, regroup and calmly assure my wife that it was a perfectly understandable instinctive response and we'll figure out what to do next... Or ...Did I start to berate my terminally ill wife on her hospital bed with my very sharp tongue despite my assurances that I would stop doing that.

If you chose sharp tongued beration you will know that I am not a fully actualized human being quite as yet.

Here Dear Reader, I will share Jacqueline's gentlest riposte ever. Delivered with absolutely no snark or anger, and perhaps even a touch of kindness.

JZ: "Oh, look it's 8 o'clock. Visiting hours are over."

...to be continued...

I hope you don’t have to advocate too hard, David, to attain what should 100% be Jacqueline’s right to determine. A decision should bring peace and acceptance, not be an invitation for strangers, even if they’re medical professionals, to insert themselves.

They were completely willing to let us decide our process but it took a lot of work guiding me through the medical issues in every branch of the pathways. Each choice had complications and nuances that were hard to grasp. And I just didn't know what to ask or how to ask it at first. That's why it took so long.

I could have just told them to take out the NG Tube and they would have. But there were reasons to keep it in as well as long as she was in hospital.

Jacqueline's gentlest riposte ever. Delivered with absolutely no snark or anger, and perhaps even a touch of kindness... JZ: "Oh, look it's 8 o'clock. Visiting hours are over."

She's marvelous.

Did I start to berate my terminally ill wife on her hospital bed with my very sharp tongue despite my assurances that I would stop doing that.

If you chose sharp tongued beration you will know that I am not a fully actualized human being quite as yet.

I have a few stories (about me) from Tim's current hospitalization that I will probably never share, because I'm ashamed at how strongly they suggest that I am actually possessed by a demon. If I were yelling at negligent staff, that would be one thing. But chastising the actual patient who was struggling with a pain level of 7 and fully doped up on IV dilaudid was...not my finest hour.

If you chose sharp tongued beration you will know that I am not a fully actualized human being quite as yet.

Who among us is, my friend.

Jacqueline's gentlest riposte ever. Delivered with absolutely no snark or anger, and perhaps even a touch of kindness... JZ: "Oh, look it's 8 o'clock. Visiting hours are over."

She's marvelous.

Still and always.

That sounds perfectly Jacqueline.

I still remember getting my NG tube inserted over a decade ago. It was traumatizing. My heart goes out to both of you.

It’s normal to be scared and panic and react poorly in the face of this. And her response was so perfect. I may start using that whenever anyone is testing my patience!! It’s such a perfect boundary setter.