JZ, I am so sorry the news wasn't better, and you will have all the prayers and ~ma I can offer for effective chemo and some future clinical trial or other new treatment that will be everything you need.

Fuck, JZ, that sucks AND blows but I’m selfishly glad you are in a place where you can get the best medicine can offer and that you’ve got a great team working with you.

port-a-cath

Where the line runs over the collarbone feels a little weird. Extra padding for any shoulder strap going over that area is a good thing to have.

Extra padding for any shoulder strap going over that area is a good thing to have.

Insider tips appreciated.

Well that sucks, JZ. As askye said, I hope you are one of the patients who give others hope, a long time down the road.

I have a local friend who was in a similar boat (metastasized and inoperable cancer, middle aged white woman working in health care) who has been doing the chemo and clinical trials thing for over 10 years now. They were able to push things back enough for her to take trips to Iceland and Thailand. There’ve been ups and downs, but she’s pulled a good quality of life out of it all. I hope you have a similar experience.

I'm so sorry (and angry. Always angry) the news isn't as good as you hoped. You know you have ~ma flowing like Kilauea in your direction, always and steady.

ltc was so mad this morning that TCG had failed to assemble her snack before he left for work today. She wanted me to do it, but I told her she’d have to wait until I finished getting dressed. I guess she was too impatient to wait. So she got the grapes out of the fridge, rinsed them, put them in a container and filled her water bottle. I guess she has a new addition to her morning routine because she obviously doesn’t need our help.

JZ, I hate that your news isn't as good as you had hoped. I hate it so much. But Ginger was right about 5-year survival rates always being 5 years behind. You're going to have excellent care, and that already puts the odds in your favor. You have so much love coming from all of us, and I believe that makes a difference, too.

JZ I want to agree with sj about leaning into denial...if it's going to be a tool that will help improve your life then you should use it.

sj -- that's awesome that ltc can make her own snack!

You may recall more than ten years ago my bat-shit-crazy co-worker developed breast cancer. (note: this ends well) She had shown us the lump and we all argued with her about seeing a doctor. Nope, she wasn't buying into big pharma, blah, blah. She went on a diet that I only remember included raw yogurt. She was taller than me, maybe 5'8" and got down under 100 pounds. We teased her calling her a 97-pound weakling, and of course, tried to get her to see reason. The tumor had broken through the skin under her arm, which she said meant it was breaking up. Then her lung collapsed. At this point, her husband said he didn't care if she divorced him he was taking her to the hospital. They were never able to get the lung working again, but she finally listened to this super charming oriental doctor. She was far too weak for anything but child dosage oral chemo. Her doctor made her list her food intake and insisted it included things like bacon cheeseburgers, fries, and milkshakes. #1 objective was to fatten her up.

She'll probably have to take some level of medication forever, but she is fine. Last time I saw her she was up to 140 pounds. She now lives in central FL and has a thriving vegetable garden and raises chickens. She even has the energy to take care of her grandchildren. Frankly, all of us, including her family, thought she had no chance of survival. She's doing great. Full remission. Also, still insane, most recently posting some 9/11 conspiracy meme since she buys into it all. Chem trails, vaccine horrors. But at least she decided big pharma might be a good plan.