Matilda and I are dressed in dark clothing and going to the memorial at 4:30.

On Friday afternoon I walked over to the place where he killed himself in Golden Gate Park. Stood there and tried to imagine why he picked that spot. I could see where the police had raked up the area and washed it down with a hose.

It helped, though, in a way. I could see the logic of his mindset. I could see why he chose everything and it was to minimize harm. It was on a school day at midmorning so he wouldn't be discovered by some kid. There was a hill beside him so the bullet couldn't hit anybody else. A place where he'd be quickly spotted, but not a place where anybody would see it happen. He only had one bullet in the gun to make sure nobody stumbled on a loaded gun.

And seeing that carefulness and thoughtfulness helped me see the Depression Logic in his choice. I could see, I think, how he saw the situation. Like his family was in a boat, and he was this block of concrete in the water, attached to the boat by a chain, and he was dragging them down. He wanted to cut the chain to free them of his weight. The way depression distorts that perception. Makes you feel like nothing can change, and the bad feeling is unendurable, and that you are the problem for your family/friends.

It made me sad but it gave me space to forgive him. I hope his family can.

Sorry, that's a lot of heavy to unload.

In other news, Matilda went to Homecoming with Shriyans (her beau) at his old high school in Pleasanton last night. There was a most pit! She wore her fancy dress and Converse.

Also, after mulling it over and measuring twice I went back to the estate sale and bought the gorgeous Art Nouveau cabinet which they were unloading for only $225.

I wasn't looking for another cabinet, but years of thrift shopping have honed the criteria for when to make a buy: Is the price good? Okay, is the price insanely good? Do you love it? Will it have a place to go? Is it the right style? Does it fit? Is it something you can get elsewhere or is this the only chance you'll have for it?

It met all those criteria and so now we shuffle the furniture. Which we were going to do anyway.

It is a beautiful piece, David. Good decision!

I'm so sorry for your friend, and I send all good hope of recovery and peace for his family and those who loved him.

I'm so sorry for your friend, and I send all good hope of recovery and peace for his family and those who loved him.

Thank you, Jen. They have such a long, hard path in front of them now.

Timelies all!

Have done a lot of laundry today. Washed Mr. S's bedding, his clothes and now a bunch of towels.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your friend, and is it a good thing that you are able to forgive him. Suicide lingers in a most difficult way for those left behind.

Swim lessons start later this month!

I really need to do that. At home I swim pretty much every day, like for an hour at a time, but I dork swim because I have such an issue with swimmer's ear that I won't put my head in the water. I need to just use the earplugs and learn to swim like a normal person.

Also, OMG, the pumpkin pasta I made tonight was so good. And I froze another 5 servings for future delight. It was a big pumpkin. Roasted pumpkin seeds were a bust because I forgot about them and they were overcooked, but I have another pumpkin and will try again.

That sounds so good, Laura!

Same re : dork swim. I really want to make swimmimg my primary exercise, so learning how to do it with some good form is my goal.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your friend, and is it a good thing that you are able to forgive him. Suicide lingers in a most difficult way for those left behind.

The memorial was super loving and sweet. They all acknowledged the mental health issues, so it wasn't like people were tip-toeing around it. But the focus was just on what a kind, good, loving, funny, smart, charismatic guy he was. How much he loved his family.

His best friend since childhood, who idolized him, read from like five pages of memories and it was all so funny and heartfelt and heartbreaking.

His third child, Noah, who is only a Freshman in HS spoke and it was brief but so tender and funny. He told a story about how Drew would do anything to make his kids happy. And the youngest, Josh, wanted this fancy gaming system, which he got for his birthday. But Drew noticed that the gaming system had 8K capacity, and their TV had a mere 4K. So, over everybody else's objections, Drew just came home with a gigantic 8K TV to put a smile on Josh's face. And Noah said, with deeply loving exasperation, "It was just so...irresponsible." And it was a huge laugh line because it really encapsulated something essential about Drew. His irreverence, and the deep well of his love for his family.

Also, a bittersweet reunion for Matilda's elementary school soccer team, as I saw all those parents for the first time since 2019 (when another one of the parents had died).

I hope the memorial was comforting for the loved ones. It sounds lovely.

I've had a couple friends who have committed suicide, and my heart absolutely ached for the amount of pain they must have been enduring. In the depths of my grief when Steve died, I contemplated what the chances were that I would see him again if I joined him. Fortunately, I couldn't convince myself that it was a real possibility and knew at some level it was the loss driving those thoughts. Mental health struggles are so often much harder to treat than physical health struggles. Far from one size fits all solutions.

Tim's chest x-ray looks good and the chest tube has been removed! He should be discharged by 1 or 2 this afternoon. Thank goodness. I still need to scrub the shower, but that won't take long. Everything else is as ready as it can be.

We've had perfect fall weather here for the past week, and it looks to be the same for the next few days, so he might end up sitting in the rocking chair on the front porch to enjoy the weather. Not a bad way to recuperate.