That space, that being-present bearing-withness feels both unbearable and like it is the only truly important thing happening anywhere in the universe.

I'm not sj, but this is so very well put, JZ. Thank you.

Epic...I hope that everything goes as smoothly as possible for you.

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Shir the next step for me is when I started a cycle of sadness/angry/shame/blame and I heard my therapist say "That must have been very hard" and it derailed that thinking and then actually believed it more.

Today has been a shifty day. M, his sister and Mom got into a huge fight that bled into anything and I slipped and finally said that I felt guilty for tolerating how M talks to his Mom (I forgot to say I felt guilty for tolerating how she talks to him) and that I didn't break up with him over it when I would have if he treated me the same.

And things spiraled. And that's all I say because otherwise I'm going to massively over share.

But I wish I could point out the reality of a situation instead of whatever his sister thinks it is without her acting like I'm attacking their mom.

I'm an interloper who is leeching off their mom...or helping M leech off their mom and neither of us does anything to contribute around her.

According to his sister.

Epic, 100% here for you. (Nothing is the same from one person to another, but I had a temp ileostomy during my stuff, so I'm happy to talk about anything or share resources).

Oof, that's rough, askye.

askye, I’m sorry. What a difficult situation.

JZ, you always phrase things so perfectly, that is exactly it. It’s exhausting and hard to be there, but when I’m not there I just want to be there. We have a very busy weekend this week, and I already feel guilty that I won’t be able to come back until Monday. The hospice facility is absolutely lovely, and the staff that work there all seem to be wonderful. I know he’s in good hands when we can’t be there.

My grandparents have always had hospice at home and they've always been very lovely and caring. I don't think there is anyway to want to be there and feel some guilt for not being there all the time even if you logically know it's not possible.

Injecting a spot of good news. Pathology is back on DP's growth, now removed, and it is NOT cancer. No further follow-up up needed. What an unbelievable relief. Thanks so much for the love.

Glad to hear that, JenP!

Today perked up some. M and I talked over tacos. We saw a family - I think mom and kids and Grandma and one of the moms (or aunt) was holding a little boy, maybe 6 or 7 months old and not just bouncing him up and down but doing a very small version of Cha Cha slide.

And then M and I went and got a charcoal grill to replace the gas one and he is grilling for dinner.

Also I called the lawyer, he emailed paper work and I'm forwarding it to my dad and uncle (who is a lawyer) to look at and I'll read it. Monday the lawyer will call me back and answer any questions I have and I'll decide if I want to sign it. He cautioned me NOT to fill out any parts because it's the electronic signature and if I do then it's signed and there's no going back. So nothing filled out until I talk to him. I haven't looked at it yet because of the whole Day of Drama.

Dad called and had some questions he thought I should ask if I didn't know the answers and then he also wanted to make sure I understood that hiring a lawyer doesn't mean that I'll get everything I want or that they can help me with everything. I told him I knew, that my baseline expectations for this is: that worker's comp continues to do the bare minimum that they should; takes a long time; but instead of me trying to get in touch with anyone and panicking about what to do next I have a lawyer who does all the contacting and actually has experience with this and can give me advice about what to do next .

Which I feel is very very baseline and I'm hoping that I get more out of it than that.

The lawyer had previously pointed out that companies can't actually retaliate if you hire a lawyer but can make do other things instead of directly doing that. Today I told him that if the company wants to punish me in some way for fighting TO go back to work after I was injured on the job and getting substandard care because they cheaped out on worker's comp insurance than I will happily burn that bridge and be very , very vocal about it. Although really they do most of the work for burning the bridge I would just be pulling the trigger on the clicky fire stick.