My friend Maria also left a bad marriage in 2019, and you know who else is happier- her kids! Even though they are now young adults they are living at home and are really happier without an abusive presence. She was also in the spot where she was doing both the full time work and most of the household responsibilities. I never pushed her to leave because we have to decide on our own, but Gus, you have value and you are loved and I am just as angry with your wife as I was with her husband.

If Gud’s wife doesn’t like the noise Gud makes cleaning the kitchen, she could solve that problem by cleaning it her own damn self.

Unrelatedly, Ann Rice has died.

It is extremely difficult to accept that such a huge life change is essential to your health, but it is. No one deserves to be belittled and abused by their spouse. It is not easy to understand and reject the gaslighting that has occurred, but it is vital to your mental health.

Gud, your wife gets angry at EVERYTHING, so it doesn't matter what you do around the house. This is all her issue, it has nothing to do with you doing anything wrong. Instead of letting it make you feel bad about yourself, just grey rock her and deny her the satisfaction of reacting to her abuse.

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Gud you could have not made noise and your wife would have been angry. You could do everything she asked or wanted exactly as she said and she would still be angry.

You are not the problem.

I know it can be hard when feelings of self worth aren't high. I have struggles with flat out loathing and hating myself and it can be hard to see how a situation really is. But let me tell you there is nothing. NOTHING . Not a single damn thing you have ever done to deserve the way she treats you.

If you don't trust yourself then trust us. ALL OF US.

I had to start learning who I could trust about myself and even when I didn't believe what they saw I trusted that it was there and I just couldn't see it.

PLEASE TRUST US. Not your wife.

Gud. Please call your doctor's office tomorrow morning, make and keep an appointment for this week, tell them you're experiencing suicidal ideations, explain the situation at home, and ask for some help with medication and a referral to a good therapist who can see you now.

I don't know you other than what you post here, and I do not know your wife at all, but you need some help. It is okay to need help. You deserve to feel better than this and need some help finding your way from how you are feeling right now to feeling better.

Timelies all!

What they said, Gud. (Sorry I'm not more articulate, but Mr. S woke us up at 6)

Gud, can you imagine someone you love, like your children, having a disease like diabetes or arthritis that they don't get treated for? They'd be suffering unnecessarily, and you would want them to see a doctor and get the help they need.

That's where you're at. And ignore the unreasonable behavior from your wife for a minute. Objectively, suicidal ideation is a sign of illness. There are treatments for it. We want you to be healthy.

Gud I want to add this too....I think there might be more than just depression going on. You may be dealing with Autistic Burnout and that is a very real thing. It can happen from a lot of things and it can add to a lot of anxiety and sensory issues and make everything else hell.

Roughly 20 years ago I took a bunch of pills. I changed my mind, and reached out and ended up in the hospital which was both good and bad. Bad because..wrong diagnosis but Good because it got me help to get through that low point. It wasn't easy and I will be honest and say there were times when I struggled a lot.

And then E was born and I had this beautiful nephew. And this E's mom killed herself. And I swore, no matter how bad , no matter how much I would never EVER put E through that again. Even though until recently he didn't know the truth about how she died.

Five-- Six years ago? things got bad. I was in denial about how bad they were. I got the closest to self harm that I had in a long time. I had all kinds of really bad thoughts and I felt.. it was the hardest thing I did. But I realized when I didn't want to leave my bedroom because there were too many temptations for self harm that I had to do something.

And even in the ER when I was crying and sitting on the floor because I couldn't even bring myself to sit on the chair because somehow that felt wrong and I just wanted to go home and I thought they were going to.. I don't know what. I was surprised when they admitted me to the hospital. But I needed it 100%

I couldn't work. I couldn't function and I was in denial for so long how bad it was. When I came to North Carolina I was just.. ..in some ways I was more consumed by all my PTSD and depression and anxiety and autistic burnout. My therapist and I had the conversations of -- do I need to apply for disability because I didn't think I could go to work.

Missed out on spending so much time with E because everything was too much. I had to spend a lot of time in bed, in my room, in the dark and it sucked. I was doing therapy like it was my full time job adn to be honest it was my full time job for awhile there.

It was hard and nothing magically went away. I have skills and I have medication and I have resources but it's always there the depression and anxiety PTSD and all of that but it is under control.

But every bit of pain I went through, every moment I had to deal with all of it was worth fighting through. There were days when it felt like I was doing the emotional equivalent of trying to claw my way barehanded up a muddy hill in a pouring rainstorm , to make an inch and then slide down a foot. And it sucked and it was exhausting but Every single moment of that has been worth it.

I don't regret my choice to get help before it was too late 2 decades ago. I don't regret one second of all the slogging I had to do to get to this point.

I don't want to be all "it gets better" but I will say it can be better but it also takes a shit ton of work and it can feel like the worst thing but it's better than being dead.