Today I decided that working while lying in bed and fighting tears was not a sustainable way to live, so I called my manager and told her I was overwhelmed and starting to have a really hard time. I was afraid of getting scolded for not keeping up with my work properly, or something. But she immediately asked me if I wanted to take a medical leave of absence and was super supportive. I almost cried with relief. She told me who to get in touch with in HR and what to ask them. She talked to the two bosses above her and apparently they also were supportive, because they've already cancelled my registration for the annual conference in Chicago next week (what a fucking relief) (yo, Steph , I'm not coming to Chicago next week!). I have an appointment with my regular doctor tomorrow, and I'll get some kind of note from her to satisfy HR's strangely vague requirements, and also I guess I'll need to find another dang therapist (so sick of therapy, y'all) and probably go see that ADHD specialist to see if I qualify for an official diagnosis.

And of course now I feel like the biggest loser and a total fraud, because I should just get going and quit whining and TCB like an adult.

But I've been adulting for quite enough years I shouldn't have to prove I'm an adult anymore. I just can't function right now. Admitting that is super difficult; I hate to have to acknowledge weaknesses, but the truth is, I've spent most of the past couple months in bed. I've gotten out of pajamas and gone out with friends twice. It's honestly a struggle to get through a workday without falling asleep and/or crying. I can't focus for shit; I'm barely keeping up with work and everything is taking eons to finish and I'm behind deadline on a bunch of things. I feel horrible about it, and I thought the worst thing I could do would be to tell my manager I can't really do my job right now. But it looks like it's okay? Everyone likes and appreciates me and wants to help me? I wasn't expecting that.

I don't know how long I'll be out but anything will be a relief. I'm a squishy disaster.

Oh, Zen. I'm so sorry. I'm glad work is being supportive, and I hope you can get some help that actually helps.

(yo, Steph , I'm not coming to Chicago next week!)

I'm glad you're taking a much-needed break. We can get together anytime -- your mental health is way more important.

Good for you, Zen. That must have been really hard, but sounds like it was a really good idea for you. Good luck on the next steps.

You are the opposite of a total loser. You did some really hard things that needed to be done, and you deserve to feel better.

oh feel better. the world is too much right now.

Zen, I hope this is the first step to feeling better. Much love to you.

Taking that step is so hard, Zen, and you did it! You are awesome. Continue taking care of yourself, and try to be kind and gentle with yourself because I, for one, am very fond of you and want you treated well. I'm really glad work is being supportive. Good luck with the various therapeutic paths before, I hope it is not too unpleasant a journey and you feel better before too long.

Thanks, y'all. You're the best of humans.

zen, the world is so hard right now. You are allowed to feel as you feel, and I'm so glad that your bosses are supporting you.

I've been really busy with family and other stuff for the last week or so, and when I got home from the gym last night I didn't deal with any of the shit in the house other than put the groceries away. And when the alarm went off at 5:30 am I just didn't want to get out of bed and go to work and come home to a filthy house.

So I emailed my boss I would be late, slept in until the dog made me get up, and then cleaned the kitchen, vacuumed, changed my sheets, folded laundry, and took the dog for a run in the daylight. Got to the office at 10AM and my boss was totally chill.

Sometimes you just have to take the time to look after yourself. I was so unhappy lying in bed thinking about all the shit I didn't get done-- and I know it's not about my kitchen counters. It's about aging and loss and being an orphan at 54, and my BIL dying, and the country's a fucking mess, and I can't fix any of that.

But apparently if I vacuum and change my sheets (and exercise!) I will feel a little bit better.

In conclusion: argh.