I have to be honest and say that I've really hit a fucking wall with the caretaking, even though I'm not going to walk away in the middle of this process. I'm not. But it's so overwhelming after 28 goddamn years of being literally his only support system. The nurse practitioner asked me "Should I put your information in the medical record as the caregiver?" and I started internally screaming (and said "Uhhhhh...yup."). To which Dad said cheerfully, "She knows more about my health and medications than I do!" at which point the Kill Bill sirens went off in my head. NOPE. Do NOT put that on me. But it is still fucking on me for the time being.
For a while now, I'd been having therapy every other week, but I think I'm going to need to go back to every week. This is a lot, and I know I can't walk away in the middle of it, but I also need serious ground support or I am going to fucking lose it.
And the worst part -- which I will tell my therapist Thursday -- is that I'm so used to being the caretaker, I'm so good at it, that it would be genuinely easier to just stay stuck in this pattern and light myself on fire to keep him warm. Because what I can't untangle in my brain is that withdrawing from caretaking for my 78-year-old father as his care needs are increasing makes me beneath contempt, because what fucking kind of lousy sociopathic selfish daughter does that? (And yes, that last part is getting addressed in therapy. I'm just trying to explain how I feel, even if it's not rational.)
To which Dad said cheerfully, "She knows more about my health and medications than I do!" at which point the Kill Bill sirens went off in my head.
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh. *flail*
To which Dad said cheerfully, "She knows more about my health and medications than I do!" at which point the Kill Bill sirens went off in my head.
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh.
It's possible when he said that, the nurse practitioner noticed my eyes pop out of my head like a cartoon character.
Because what I can't untangle in my brain is that withdrawing from caretaking for my 78-year-old father as his care needs are increasing makes me beneath contempt, because what fucking kind of lousy sociopathic selfish daughter does that?
But you do seem to understand that (a) your dad has been a total asshole about this stuff; and (b) that he does not take responsibility for his own health, including actively doing things which could kill him.
Because what I can't untangle in my brain is that withdrawing from caretaking for my 78-year-old father as his care needs are increasing makes me beneath contempt, because what fucking kind of lousy sociopathic selfish daughter does that?
But you do seem to understand that (a) your dad has been a total asshole about this stuff; and (b) that he does not take responsibility for his own health, including actively doing things which could kill him.
Absolutely. I know that it's not sociopathic or selfish to take care of myself, and that any grown-ass adult could have spent the last 28 years creating and strengthening a support system -- or even just one single other person -- instead of putting it all on his daughter.
I'm really just talking through the painful conflict between what I rationally know up here
t taps brain
and what perhaps incorrect emotions I feel in here
t taps heart
and figuring out how to reconcile them. Or, if not reconcile them, make peace with being on Team Brain Who Wants Steph To Take Care Of Herself.
Xenoethnography
chrismg, I'm enjoying that. Unexpected. Thanks for the rec.
Team Brain Who Wants Steph To Take Care Of Herself.
We are all on that team.
Except your dad who wants you to take care of his feckless ass even if it wrecks you.
(I'm a little resentful about this, but not as angry as I am with Gud's abusive wife.)
I'm a little resentful about this
I appreciate the resentment. I mean that 100% seriously.
"They fuck you up, your mum and dad."
