Dear ones, please do what you need to in order to get unstuck.

I've been having panic attacks often. Two days in a row now, which is very unusual for me. Shit is overwhelming, but I'm trying to get a handle on it.

Amy, I meant to say, SSRIs can just stop working. It's a known thing. Awesome Doctor refers to it as "pooping out." Switching to another SSRI may be all you need to do, if the fluoxetine was working.

Amy, I commented in Natter, but what Steph said. It's one of the things my husband has found most frustrating to deal with regarding my depression. What do you mean it just stops working? Why? What do you mean they don't know why? Can't you predict it? Not at all? It's just basically a toss-up?

Ugh, Amy. I'm sorry you are too.

I don't even know where to begin. I have never taken meds. I don't have a doc or therapist here. It's always been a "gonna get through this on my own" thing. But I feel like I'm vibrating out of my skin.

Maria, the way I tried to narrow down finding a therapist -- if that's what you want to pursue -- was by searching on Psychology Today's find a therapist listing: [link] and seeing who sounded like someone with expertise in my issues AND who was on my insurance plan.

If you decide you might want to pursue therapy -- it is HARD as shit and painful and ugly, but it's also REALLY helping me, more than I thought it ever, ever could -- I'd recommend using that website to try to narrow it down.

Thank you, Teppy. I am petrified of therapy at this point, because I'm half-convinced that I haven't made as much progress as I thought I have. Ridiculous, I know.

I need to go back to the woman I'd started seeing. I liked her enormously the first time, but the second time she kind of irritated me, and then she went on vacation, and it's been a few weeks. I think I need to give her another shot.

I'm sorry about the panic attacks, Steph.

Dana, I used to take citalopram, and switched to fluoxetine because ... the citalopram had stopped working? Or it might have been an insurance issue. I should try switching back.

I ALSO found my therapist on Psychology Today. Actually, I found, like, five, and called them all. CALLED them, y'all. Two never got back to me. One did after a while and clearly was not a match. One did right away and I went to him for a couple trial sessions. One did right away, but was on vacation in Europe at the time, so I went to him for a couple of trial sessions after the first guy, and he was very obviously the right match so I worked with him for the next year.

When I started with him, I was depressed, suicidal, and actively engaging in self-destructive and self-defeating behaviors that I did not understand. I was in a marriage that I did not recognize was deeply dysfunctional. I had just shut down my non-profit I'd been running for the past two decades and did not know where I should move to or what I should do. I was paralyzed by indecision and confusion.

Over the past year, we got my self-destructive tendencies curbed, dug into the underlying shit (and I do mean shit) behind pretty much everything that was going on, came to the decision to divorce, walked through that process, came to the decision on my move and career, got me off the fluoxetine (which was great and totally worked, but I have mad side effects to everything I take, so...), sorted through some other complex relationships in my life, and got me on the path that led to this town and pursuing a lifelong dream.

I may crash and burn now, and it will all still have been totally worth it. I know within the core of my being that I could not have gotten here--sitting at my adorable mint green kitchen table, listening to what is apparently the biggest fireworks show in the country, texting to set up an appointment with one of my Berklee classmates who I've never met in person to songwrite together--without his gentle guidance and persistent labor.

Therapy is a lot of fucking work, and I know my situation is not representative, in that past-results-are-not-indicative-of-future way. I have a lot of ups and downs now. But I definitively know I am in a better place now than a year ago. I HIGHLY recommend, if you have the means. And probably even if you don't.

Liese, I'm sorry things were so tough, but so glad that you are starting life anew.

ETA Beloveds, you are worth the work. It is ok to be in a holding pattern for a bit, to rest and gather strength for future efforts, and if you are stuck maybe that is what is happening. But you deserve to respect and care for yourselves. So please do.

It's funny, half the time I deal out these kinds of pep talks, I find myself thinking, "oh crud, now I have to do what I just told them to do."