I’m so sorry, Epic

I've had that happen. The answers don't help that much.

The answers don't help that much.

No, you're right. It won't change anything...except all of us going, "but he lost all that weight and kept it off for more than a decade," "but he was doing all that hiking in November," he didn't drink, smoke, or do drugs of any kind. It's just bewildering. And, honestly, a little scary for someone like me, who hasn't lost as much weight and is currently in treatment for cancer, and, and, and. If he can go with nothing wrong, what chance do I have? And I know one thing has nothing to do with the other, but you can't reason with my subconscious right now, I'm afraid. I feel like if we know what happened, my brain can go, "Well all right then." Even though it's obviously not all right with him gone.

Yeah, I know. It's weird for me, as a very healthy impaired person(although people with my disability have a huge risk of clots and stuff. Which I used to be young enough to think "too bad for them," about people who just...kind of didn't wake up one day.) I'm not worried, nor am I old...esp. given family that lived into their nineties. but one day, it won't be nothing, you know?

Yeah. On one hand, it's a little too real and close.

On the other, I was just watching a rerun of Friends and I swear I feel similarly about the loss of Matthew Perry as him. Whether that's a comment on how long it's been since Patrick and I had any quality time or a comment on how (weirdly) close I felt to Chandler...

I don't know - I'm just all in my head about it. A Buffista who overthinks stuff - who could have predicted that?

Feeling this so hard. "Hi, I'm Erika...I make jokes when I'm uncomfortable." (Didn't Bitches used to be about another kind of...feeling someone. Gropes Epic nostalgically) I had a milestone birthday this fall and totally feel like I'm...under-performing as a woman, human, activist...you name it. Which I know is not exactly all Living In The Moment and such. Which I'd like to do, I think.

Feeling this so hard. "Hi, I'm Erika...I make jokes when I'm uncomfortable." (Didn't Bitches used to be about another kind of...feeling someone. Gropes Epic nostalgically)

This sentence is giving me actual heart eyes.

I sort of...blinked and missed almost three entire weeks of the board? (I know, blah blah time blindnesscakes, but still, wow)

Epic, I'm so sorry to hear about your friend.

Aw, thanks. Not to say that I *am* Chandler, but it was hard to hear my brother(who is only three years younger than I and should get it more) complaining about all the Perry tributes. Like Chandler, I had food that made me sad about my parents' divorce(or, rather, them sniping at the table) for quite a few years...that's where the ham and pineapple pizza came from.. Mom and A. wanted to order pizza and, at the time, I couldn't abide the thought of one that would taste like the ones we used to have.(I've kind of gotten over that, now...it comes up so much more often than turkey with all the trimmings would. Still like ham and pineapple, though. Maybe it always comes from pain.) Latest would-be Chandler moment: Our big boss,who is lowkey with us, but Impressive in certain other progressive circles was on a panel called "What Progressives Should Do About Biden" and I like to make him laugh. So I said "Sorry I couldn't be there, but I'm guessing the answer wasn't 'make it look like an accident.'" If the Secret Service talks to me, I'll call it research. I'm sorry, Epic.

Didn't Bitches used to be about another kind of...feeling someone. Gropes Epic nostalgically)

I have missed that element of Bitches, now you mention it. *Gropes Erika back*

So I said "Sorry I couldn't be there, but I'm guessing the answer wasn't 'make it look like an accident.'" If the Secret Service talks to me, I'll call it research.

Made me snort-laugh too.

Epic, I'm so sorry to hear about your friend.

Thanks, guys. I appreciate having a place to process it. Mortality: I'm not a fan.

Ooh, hands in, well, gently-used places.(Not much can be truly new if you've had time to post for twenty years, but, okay, new for us.) As far as mortality goes, in theory, I appreciate that some people, including me, might do better with a deadline, but even some of my most nutbag profs, or the activists whom I swear never sleep or find themselves laughing at an episode of King of Queens that feels fresh because they've only watched it three times, could never be as arbitrary about changing things up as The Powers That Be. That is where I cry foul. It might be different if we all got, say, ninety fully mobile years to use as we saw fit,(and, of course a shot at stuff so great that even then, with the extended warranty, we complain at the end.) For a lot of us, it's not like that. Not that, to quote Denis Leary, I'm making any plans.(I *did* get to quote that back to Denis online once...a bucket-list item I didn't know to want...another reason why a demise I'm taking hard is twitter's). Even if I can sort of, I don't know, visit it in the convalescent place...we all know it isn't...well, I'd better stop with that thought or you won't let the Adapted Angel of Death visit you in the hospital.