I just got news that a (relatively) recent crush - that transitioned to friends when it was clear the romance was going nowhere - passed away last month. Obviously, we hadn't been that close lately or I would have heard before a month had passed - but I'm still knocked for a loop. He was only 57, and NOT diagnosed with cancer like some of us. How can he be gone? I'm stunned. I have a couple of photos still on my phone that I took stealthily in a Home Depot that looked exactly like him + 20 years. I joked with him that it was Patrick from the future who came back to visit (and buy hardware supplies). Guess he won't be coming back now...

I'm sorry, Epic. It does hit in a different and disconcerting way when one of our peers is lost, with added discomfort when you don't have answers.

Epic, I'm so sorry. That is way too young.

Oh, Epic, I'm so sorry. Too much death.

I’m so sorry, Epic

I've had that happen. The answers don't help that much.

The answers don't help that much.

No, you're right. It won't change anything...except all of us going, "but he lost all that weight and kept it off for more than a decade," "but he was doing all that hiking in November," he didn't drink, smoke, or do drugs of any kind. It's just bewildering. And, honestly, a little scary for someone like me, who hasn't lost as much weight and is currently in treatment for cancer, and, and, and. If he can go with nothing wrong, what chance do I have? And I know one thing has nothing to do with the other, but you can't reason with my subconscious right now, I'm afraid. I feel like if we know what happened, my brain can go, "Well all right then." Even though it's obviously not all right with him gone.

Yeah, I know. It's weird for me, as a very healthy impaired person(although people with my disability have a huge risk of clots and stuff. Which I used to be young enough to think "too bad for them," about people who just...kind of didn't wake up one day.) I'm not worried, nor am I old...esp. given family that lived into their nineties. but one day, it won't be nothing, you know?

Yeah. On one hand, it's a little too real and close.

On the other, I was just watching a rerun of Friends and I swear I feel similarly about the loss of Matthew Perry as him. Whether that's a comment on how long it's been since Patrick and I had any quality time or a comment on how (weirdly) close I felt to Chandler...

I don't know - I'm just all in my head about it. A Buffista who overthinks stuff - who could have predicted that?

Feeling this so hard. "Hi, I'm Erika...I make jokes when I'm uncomfortable." (Didn't Bitches used to be about another kind of...feeling someone. Gropes Epic nostalgically) I had a milestone birthday this fall and totally feel like I'm...under-performing as a woman, human, activist...you name it. Which I know is not exactly all Living In The Moment and such. Which I'd like to do, I think.