If someone is calling you something you really don't want to be called, but it's friendly and innocent and no harm is meant, should you (a) ask them not to and risk seeming petty and hurting their feelings, or (b) shut up and deal with it?

Specifically, people keep calling me lady and I hate it. "Hey lady!" It's cheerful and friendly and it's ridiculous for me to be distressed about it, but I am. My old boss used to call me lady, pop up beside my desk like Beelzebub "Hey lady!", and it was confusing and upsetting but I didn't say anything because she was my boss and also pretty volatile. Then a co-worker did it, then a friend did it, and now one of my best friends just addressed me with "Hey lady!" and I almost cried. I don't know why this bothers me so much.

That's a tough one, Zen. Maybe a lighthearted "I'm no lady" response? Various customers (mostly nurses) tend to call me love or dear, which I expect they do to their patients. Here women don't call each other lady so much as "mami" which sounds like mommy. A Latina habit. It took some getting used to.

Oh, someone not Latina called me "mami" once, strange but didn't bother me as much.

I'm sorry, Zen. That sucks. The risks of (a) are real, but (b) is totally unfair, since this nearly brings you to tears.

Does the word have a negative association with you because of being harangued to "act like a lady" or "sit like a lady" or "be ladylike" when you were a kid, or does it feel old to you, or sexist or something?

I think Laura's suggestion of "lighthearted" is probably the best one, if you can do it. That is to say, a lot of times, when I'm feeling bad and try to come off lighthearted, I don't, but I'm the only one who doesn't realize it. My voice doesn't have a great poker face (sorry for the mixed metaphor).

Does the word have a negative association with you because of being harangued to "act like a lady" or "sit like a lady" or "be ladylike" when you were a kid, or does it feel old to you, or sexist or something?

No, not really any of those things. I'm honestly surprised by how strong my reaction is. My immediate response is I'm not a lady, but not in the "I'm not prim and proper" sense. I've been feeling like maybe I'm non-binary and maybe this is part of that, but I have no such negative responses to being called miss or ma'am or a girl. (Conversely, if someone calls me sir or Mr., I don't mind at all.) I do have a mild Nope to being called a woman, but I can shrug that off. Because I refer to myself as cis, and physically, yeah, the body is female and I've never had dysphoria. I've been annoyed with it but I've never hated it or wished parts of it were not there or different. It's all just weird and I'd rather not even think about it.

I think Laura's suggestion of "lighthearted" is probably the best one, if you can do it.

Yeah, I think this is a good idea, and if necessary, you can escalate it after that. "Oh, please don't call me that. It's one of those weird things that really bothers me for no good reason."

Or leave off the "no good reasons" part, because "I don't like it" is a perfectly good reason.

Oooh! I had a snotty comeback for being called a lady back in the day. I would sternly bark that "I'm no lady, I am a WOMAN," I would enjoy the flabbergasted look people got.

Probably not appropriate for boss types.

Yeah, I think this is a good idea, and if necessary, you can escalate it after that. "Oh, please don't call me that. It's one of those weird things that really bothers me for no good reason."

This was my thought, except instead of "no good reason", maybe just a quick "I have bad associations." That should be sufficient, for friends/your best friend out of caring for you, anyone else out of general respect. Unless it's someone completely random like a grocery checker, then I'd probably just cringe inwardly but reassure myself that they're not someone I interact with regularly and let it go. (Full disclosure - I nickname people a lot, and have been asked once or twice to just go back to calling someone by their name. It might be a tiny bit ouchy when it happens, but I always respect the request, and get over the ouchy very quickly).

Or leave off the "no good reasons" part, because "I don't like it" is a perfectly good reasons.

I think it's along the same lines as not wanting to be called a nickname - you don't need a reason, it's a preference.

Full disclosure - I nickname people a lot, and have been asked once or twice to just go back to calling someone by their name.

I snapped at a friend who greeted me at a party with "Steffie!"* But, I mean, I'd known that person for several years, and NEVER in my life have I ever EVER used that name, and I really hate it. (I think my mom might call me that once in a while, but she also calls me Dolly and other variations on Dolly [Dollmeister; Dolly Lama]; at this point, they don't register with me if it's coming from my mom.) But I really shouldn't have snapped at my friend; I definitely could have handled it better.

*(Despite hating it when anyone calls me Steffie, I have zero problem with Teppy. But only you guys call me that. And I love it.)