Teppy, you absolutely deserve reciprocity for your concern and compassion, at the very least. I am so sorry that the people in your immediate family aren't able or willing to provide it.

Oh Teppy. You deserve care and you deserve to be angry

Toddson, that is a lot. Feeling like that and not acting on it was sort of what caused me to shut down and not clean my apartment. So I am glad you are interviewing. That sounds like a good fit, and admissions is fun! If I try for another job, it will probably be in admissions.

um ... not interviewing, just looking for a new place to live. I had a nice spreadsheet on my computer, buildings in good locations that I could afford that had good reviews, phone numbers, links, everything I needed ... and the !@#!!! computer died. File saved on the (defunct) hard drive. I do have a list of the buildings ... guess it's time to start over.

And because it deserves its own post - Teppy, can you go away from everyone for a couple of days? Not necessarily far, no need to be someplace expensive, just someplace away?

Oh, man, Toddson! Good luck.

Toddson, Teppy, JZ, and whoever else is being put on the brink by other people's problems, ease and help and relief wished to all of you, solutions that help and don't make things worse, and a better spacing of unpleasant events. Hugs (except for Teppy) and hairpats and extravagant compliments galore to each of you.

I'm sorry that things conspire.

Whoops! Did I conflate two people? Frankly I can't see that well on my phone! I think I need bifocals!

That was me! I've got an interview tomorrow and I am sooo happy. Bye to bad boss who does not have my back.

Teppy I am so sorry about all of this. I like Toddson's idea.

Can your therapist help you figure out away to shift some of the care taking responsibility in someway?

My brother was sounding better last night, but I just talked to him for the first time today (I called 2 hours ago and then 1 hour ago and got his voice mail both times), and he sounds rough. He does have a friend there, because I talked to them (the phone was on speaker).

He needs to go to the damn hospital this time. He was fucking lucky that he was able to taper down with just beer when I was out there in 2016, but it's not working this time (in part because he doesn't have people there with him 24/7 to keep an eye on him). He told me just now that if he still feels this rough after he has his current beer (he opened it while I was on the phone), he'll call 911 or have his friend take him to the hospital. I really, really hope he does that.

I am, to be 100% honest, glad I didn't go out there. Because I don't know if I could have done this again.

But then, I also wish like hell I had gotten on a plane yesterday. So. It's complicated as fuck.

And then -- well. Let me say this first. And I mean this 110% percent. I have gotten in people's faces who didn't agree with this: addiction is a disease. Absolutely, no question, a disease. Not weakness. Not a moral failing. Not a series of bad choices. It is a disease. I mean that with all of my power.

Having said that, while still believing it 110%, I am PISSED at my brother. I am so, SO angry at him. And I just have to be okay with those 2 things co-existing. I know he didn't relapse AT me (or at anyone); it's part of the disease. I know that. But I'm still really really Hulk ragey right now. I'm just trying my hardest to not let him know how angry I am, not right now. (My therapist said, "You think he doesn't know you're angry? He knows better than anyone what your reaction is, because 1: he's a therapist and is trained to expect people's reactions in situations like this, but 2: more importantly, he's relapsed before, so he knows you're angry. You're doing him a kindness by not unloading it on him while he's in this current crisis phase, but there will be nothing wrong with telling him about it when he's stable on the other side of it.") (She's very smart.)

I want to punch him so fucking hard. And scream at him. And fly out there and take charge and help him. But I'm glad I didn't go out there. Except when I think that staying home was the dumbest thing I've done in my life. I'm having too many feelings.

And I'm exhausted after yesterday's roller-coaster, plus I got up stupid-ass early (for me), like 2 1/2 hours earlier than I normally do, to take the cat to the vet, so I'm running on 5 1/2 hours of sleep and fueled by too much coffee and a lot of anger and stress. I'd like to nap, but I'm too jittery wired at this point. Plus I have to wait for the vet to call to let me know I can go get the kitty (he had his annual exam, shots, and dental cleaning, so he gets dropped off at the crack of fucking dawn and they keep him most of the day because they have to put cats under anesthesia to clean their teeth, and then monitor them afterward to make sure they're okay).

Anyway. That's today. SO FAR.