My mother has exceeded her highwater mark for narcissism, and I'm still incandescent with rage and triggered as hell. Although the hero of this story is my brother, who reminded me that I don't have to stick around to deal with this bullshit.

Backstory: right after my parents got divorced, my uncle's sister needed a place to stay (I honestly don't remember why, because it was 35 years ago, though I assume it was because she was shiftless and a drunk). So she ended up living in our basement. And proceeded to be wasted the entire time, bring all kinds of guys home, and party her brains out in our basement. She also had kids, who would get in my room and my brother's room and steal our stuff (and Mom's response was that my brother and I should "share" our stuff FUCK YOU MOTHER). We eventually put locks on the outside of our doors.

After some time, Mom kicked Uncle's Sister out, probably because she was a shiftless drunk. (I seriously don't remember a lot of details even though I was 12, because I've blocked out a lot of my childhood, yay trauma.)

Back to 2018: Mom told me yesterday that Uncle's Sister is going to be visiting Aunt and Uncle for Christmas and that they all might be coming to Mom's house for Christmas with us. Cue me getting triggered as hell and also incandescent with rage. Mom says that Uncle's Sister has changed, she's nice now, blah blah blah.

And here's the thing: I believe that people can change, absolutely. But that still doesn't obligate me to spend time with them. Especially a holiday.

My brother and SiL are coming home for Christmas, and spending Christmas Day with them is something I've been looking forward to for weeks. I don't want Uncle's Sister there. I told my brother about it, and he said "I don't want to see her, on Christmas or any other time. If she's going to be there for Christmas dinner, I'm going to leave." And I realized, hey, I can do that too.

I'm super grateful to my brother for reminding me that I'm 47, not 12, and I'm not stuck in a house where I can't leave when people are shitty. I'm also incredibly glad I have one more therapy session before Christmas.

And here's the kicker, where I feel like my mom's narcissism has surpassed even her worst previous self-obsession: last year she told my stepdad that she did not want his family to come to their house for Christmas Eve any more (Mom and Stepdad always hosted), because she doesn't like the little kids. And, I mean, she can make that decision and set that boundary. That's fine. (I mean, it's kind of shitty, because they're normal kids, but whatever.) But then yesterday she had the audacity to say to me, with zero self-awareness, "I have to let Uncle's Sister come over on Christmas Day -- blood is thicker than water."

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK YOU HORRIFIC NARCISSIST. (1) Uncle's Sister is NOT our blood relative. (2) Mom's children, who ARE her actual blood relatives, are triggered as shit by this and don't want Uncle's Sister there, but apparently "blood is thicker than water" doesn't apply to us (because it never has). (3) Holy shit Mom, how can you say "blood is thicker than water" with a straight face after you banned ALL of your husband's blood relatives from your house last year??? WHAT THE SHIT YOU GODDAMN HARRIDAN.

All I care about is seeing my brother. So if he leaves Mom's house, Tim and I are leaving with him. And maybe we'll go see Into the Spiderverse or Aquaman and then get some Chinese food. But I'm sticking with him. Because blood is thicker than water, bitches.

Oh Teppy, I am so sorry your mother is being this way. Absolutely make concrete plans with your brother to enjoy time together away from anything that will sour your mutual joy.

I mean, if Uncle's Sister doesn't come to Christmas dinner, then we all stay and it's fine (on the surface). But DAMN, does this reinforce the fact that our mother has never prioritized us or cared about our feelings. Ever.

At least this is making me get really clear about what I want out of this holiday. (1) Christmas stuff with Tim, as always, because he is my most important person, and the 2 of us are a family, even without kids. (2) Time with my brother, however we have to do it. (3) No abusive bullshit and trauma.

I've told my therapist for 2 years now that I don't need (or want) to get into it with Mom and rage about how much she damaged us, mostly because it won't fix anything (and because she's a narcissist, it won't lead to her saying "I see how what I did hurt you, and I'm sorry." She has literally never apologized for anything in her life). And I still don't need (or want to) get into it with her -- but I'm realizing that I'm *willing* to, in order to protect my boundaries.

Holidays, man.

When I was about 6 or so, Dad had promised us all bikes, and it took him a couple of years, I think, to get them, and then he invited his sister and her kids to live with us, and they moved in for a while, there was a fight, and they moved back out, leaving my new bike slightly scuffed, because we had to share, and they didn't have very much, and so on (I hated it all a lot). And then we moved, and Dad gave the scuffing cousin my bike. My almost new bike. And I cried. And then we moved back a year later, and I went over there to their house thinking I'd at least get to see my bike, and maybe ride it (and maybe take it home if she didn't like it anymore!), and it was a wreck. Completely destroyed and laying in the grass and lost and I cried and no one knew why, because if I said it was about the bike, I'd get in trouble for being "maudlin" and "dramatic". Of course, I got labeled dramatic anyway, but I didn't get the lecture.

So many memories, Teppy. Go you with your bad self. I hope you have a splendid Christmas, however it turns out.

I hear you, Tep. One of my cousins is a narcissist of the highest order. She called the day before my mom's funeral to say "Jon wants to come to the service. I hope that's okay." Jon is her ex-husband who was a TOTAL dick to her and the rest of the family during and after the marriage. My mom really disliked him. We told her we'd rather not have him there and she said "Well, I already I told him he could come. I assume if I'm okay with it, you all should be." My brother wanted to strangle her. WHY ARE YOU TELLING PEOPLE WHO WERE ASSHOLES TO MY MOM AND DAD FOR YEARS THAT THEY CAN COME TO THE FUNERAL SERVICE?

{{Buffistas}} Y'all deserve better families and I am grateful to be a part of your chosen family.

What Laura said.

I am so grateful to have all of you.

And then families get so bent out of shape that you don't want to participate in the familial soap opera.

Oh man, that sounds awful. I admit, I'm sad to not see my BIL and sister since I'm not going home for Christmas, but other than that? Meh. Especially my brother the troll (literally was banned from commenting at the NYTime, apparently!)