Oh Teppy, I am so sorry your mother is being this way. Absolutely make concrete plans with your brother to enjoy time together away from anything that will sour your mutual joy.

I mean, if Uncle's Sister doesn't come to Christmas dinner, then we all stay and it's fine (on the surface). But DAMN, does this reinforce the fact that our mother has never prioritized us or cared about our feelings. Ever.

At least this is making me get really clear about what I want out of this holiday. (1) Christmas stuff with Tim, as always, because he is my most important person, and the 2 of us are a family, even without kids. (2) Time with my brother, however we have to do it. (3) No abusive bullshit and trauma.

I've told my therapist for 2 years now that I don't need (or want) to get into it with Mom and rage about how much she damaged us, mostly because it won't fix anything (and because she's a narcissist, it won't lead to her saying "I see how what I did hurt you, and I'm sorry." She has literally never apologized for anything in her life). And I still don't need (or want to) get into it with her -- but I'm realizing that I'm *willing* to, in order to protect my boundaries.

Holidays, man.

When I was about 6 or so, Dad had promised us all bikes, and it took him a couple of years, I think, to get them, and then he invited his sister and her kids to live with us, and they moved in for a while, there was a fight, and they moved back out, leaving my new bike slightly scuffed, because we had to share, and they didn't have very much, and so on (I hated it all a lot). And then we moved, and Dad gave the scuffing cousin my bike. My almost new bike. And I cried. And then we moved back a year later, and I went over there to their house thinking I'd at least get to see my bike, and maybe ride it (and maybe take it home if she didn't like it anymore!), and it was a wreck. Completely destroyed and laying in the grass and lost and I cried and no one knew why, because if I said it was about the bike, I'd get in trouble for being "maudlin" and "dramatic". Of course, I got labeled dramatic anyway, but I didn't get the lecture.

So many memories, Teppy. Go you with your bad self. I hope you have a splendid Christmas, however it turns out.

I hear you, Tep. One of my cousins is a narcissist of the highest order. She called the day before my mom's funeral to say "Jon wants to come to the service. I hope that's okay." Jon is her ex-husband who was a TOTAL dick to her and the rest of the family during and after the marriage. My mom really disliked him. We told her we'd rather not have him there and she said "Well, I already I told him he could come. I assume if I'm okay with it, you all should be." My brother wanted to strangle her. WHY ARE YOU TELLING PEOPLE WHO WERE ASSHOLES TO MY MOM AND DAD FOR YEARS THAT THEY CAN COME TO THE FUNERAL SERVICE?

{{Buffistas}} Y'all deserve better families and I am grateful to be a part of your chosen family.

What Laura said.

I am so grateful to have all of you.

And then families get so bent out of shape that you don't want to participate in the familial soap opera.

Oh man, that sounds awful. I admit, I'm sad to not see my BIL and sister since I'm not going home for Christmas, but other than that? Meh. Especially my brother the troll (literally was banned from commenting at the NYTime, apparently!)

I've been feeling sort of self-pitying because we don't have family to celebrate with. After reading about all of your families, I'm just going to be over here watching the neighbors' lights and sipping eggnog, glad my husband and son will be here in a a day or two so we can have our own small celebration. Yes, there will be people we miss, but we'll have each other, and at least at the moment, no axes to grind.