I'm not a medical professional, but I'm of the opinion that Zen's blood should stay inside Zen.

What's the state of the Zen today?

I've got to go to campus tomorrow to give an exam (the class I'm teaching this summer is online, but there are a few options for taking midterms so that we can verify the students' identity, and one option is taking it on campus, so I've got to be there to proctor those), and considering how I'm feeling today, and that I've got plans tomorrow night (Wonder Woman!), I think I'm going to need to use my wheelchair. I've barely used it yet, and haven't used it at work before. Already preparing for people's irritating questions.

Print out an answer sheet and hand out copies.

Like the tall guy who handed out business cards saying "Yes, I am tall. No, I don't want to talk about the weather up here."

Just realized that, if I'm going to be bringing my wheelchair, and giving my friends a ride to the movie after work like I said I would, then I need to clean out my car a bit. Which will just make me hurt more. Ugh. But it's better than just sitting in and not going to the movie.

That's a tough choice, Hil.

I'm definitely going, unless I feel really horrible by the time I'm done with work, but I'll probably try to rearrange our plans a little bit to minimize the amount of walking I'll have to do. And one of the friends that I'll be with is someone who can help me with lifting the wheelchair in and out of the car before and after the movie, if I need help with that. Just need to get my car set up in the morning on my own.

I'm sorry to do this, but I'm just super stressed and don't even know what the right thing is to do here. I am emotionally exhausted from my mom's surgery and the way that Tim's dad being in assisted living has turned into a HUGE emotional burden (also tangibly, too; for the amount of money he's paying to live there, why are *we* doing his laundry???) and, well, it's unbelievably soul-crushing to be in therapy to deal with how horribly my mom damaged me as a kid, while ALSO needing to be an adult and care about her recovery from surgery (which I do) and cheer her on, etc. So that's all awful.

And, look, I know what I'm about to say is the most ungracious whining ever, and you can feel free to say, "Seriously, bitch, this is NOT a problem so get over yourself." Literally every single weekend (except one**) from now through the beginning of August has some social event booked. Graduation parties, birthday parties, random parties. And it's just too fucking much. I cannot handle all of it, partly because now our weekends also involve Tim's dad AND they're going to start involving my mom, because she'll be recovering at home for 12 weeks, and my stepdad told me yesterday how when we visit, it boosts my mom's mood for days, so what kind of a monster would be like, "Yeah, fuck you, I know it helps your mood, but I ain't coming over"???

And I know, oooooooh, that's SUCH a burden, you have a bunch of parties to go to, people want to spend fun times with you, gosh, no one has EVER suffered like you have! I get it. I'm being a SUPER egotistical bitch here. But I just don't have the emotional energy for all of it. But one friend has already been like "You didn't make it to our last party, and you said XX date is good for you, so that's why we scheduled it then!" So, NO PRESSURE THERE THANKS.

I feel like ditching any of it makes me the worst human being in the world. Like, how hard is it to just go to a brewery and drink a cider and say happy birthday? But I think I'm going to spontaneously combust if I have to commit to social bullshit from now through the beginning of August AND shoulder the caretaking burden for 2 different parents now.

**So the only weekend that nothing has been planned is, for some reason, my birthday weekend. But that's also Pride weekend. And I love Pride, and going to it is important. And I especially can't emotionally handle Tim going by himself, because it might be Pride, but this is also a super conservative city in a political landscape where it's even more dangerous to be out as trans and I would die if anything happened to him. I *have* to go to the parade with him. That's not negotiable.

So. I don't know how to wrap this up. I'm just overwhelmed and stressed and I actually discussed all this with my therapist yesterday, who basically said "The world won't end if you don't go to social events because you need to take care of yourself. People can't make it to social events all the time. And if your friends or family members think badly of you because you can't make it to something, that's their problem. And anyone who plans their own party around your schedule seems like they're being nice and accommodating but it's actually kind of manipulative." And, okay, I hear all that, but I still feel like choosing to stay home is a horrible things and only acceptable if I'm very very ill. And otherwise, my choice reflects horribly on Tim and I don't want my choices because of my inability to cope to affect Tim's relationships with other people just because he married someone who doesn't have common courtesy.

What I'm saying is, I am having a very bad day. And the rest of the summer looks like it's all going to be bad days. I would like to run away so that no one fucking NEEDS something from me for the next 3 months.