This is the fun part, where I've left two messages for my doctor's assistant, and heard nothing back.

ION, I've had a mental health epiphany that no one in my meat world would appreciate (well, maybe a few, but I don't share this stuff with them). For years my anxiety has expressed it self as a tiny, shrieking voice of panic, screaming about the worst case scenario of anything that happens out of plan. I've tried to track down its source, wondering what element of myself has been so terrorized by the unexpected that it's still reacting like this. Finally, instead of trying to stuff it down when it happens or writing it off, I decided to give the voice a bit of serious, respectful attention when it comes up, hoping the attention would make it not scream so loudly (yes, I'm treating my brain like a toddler, which works). And I discovered that there was nothing behind the shrieks. No traumatized psyche fragment, nothing but habitual reactions. So I've decided these moments are not something I have to take responsibility for, that I have to make excuses for. They're code fragments following old data paths, stray bits and bytes that are tied to circumstances and which float up when similar things happen. Static, noise on the line that is inevitable in a 56-year-old memory processing system that wouldn't react well to defragging and which can't be taken offline for proper updates. They are not me. A quick scan to see if the similarities are relevant, then I can clear them.

It seems so obvious now. But if it was that obvious, everybody would be "normal".

My therapist says (and there is research to back this up) that a lot of our emotional responses are neural pathways in the brain that get strengthened every time it gets used (like building a muscle). And a way to ditch those incorrect/unhelpful/etc. emotional responses is to actively replace them with a new, different response, and keep enforcing it to create a new neural pathway.**

Which is essentially what you're doing, which is cool as HELL.

**(I am bad at this, but trying really hard to get better.)

I spend a lot of time staring at the inside of my mind and saying, "So, whatcha doing?" and trying not to blink when ravening beasts shuffle out of the darkness and wave Hi.

**(I am bad at this, but trying really hard to get better.)

Compared to me, you are the Lewis and Clark of neural pathway forging.

I spent yet another fruitless hour trying to evoke an emotional response in therapy this morning.

Compared to me, you are the Lewis and Clark of neural pathway forging.

Didn't they get eaten by mountain lions? (Or am I remembering the Simpsons version of Lewis and Clark?) (My knowledge of history, US or world, is comically abysmal.)

Everyone needs a Sacajawea.

And a way to ditch those incorrect/unhelpful/etc. emotional responses is to actively replace them with a new, different response, and keep enforcing it to create a new neural pathway.**

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is big on restructuring negative thoughts, with the belief that restructuring thoughts leads to changed feelings/emotions and changed behaviors.

Pretty sure Lewis and Clark made it back and did not get eaten by anything.

I have a pill prescribed. I hope it's enough.

Mantra for therapy: "Did not get eaten."