Gud, please believe us when we say that you are a worthwhile person. The world would be a lesser place without you in it, we would all miss you, and your children would miss you terribly. It's hard to believe that about yourself sometimes when you're stuck in an abusive situation and you can't see a way out, but you're not a shitty person. It's terrible that your wife would make you feel that way at any point, but especially when you just got out of the hospital.

I live at RDU airport now.

RDU airport is very possibly a shitty person. Gud is not.

Gud, I know you said you can't afford therapy but you really can't afford not to with those words playing in your head. If you won't do it for you, please do it for your kids.

Gud, I know you said you can't afford therapy

Lots of therapists have sliding-scale payment plans. And your company probably has an EAP that could point you toward good resources.

t quietly surrounds Gud in bubble wrap while he naps and sets an alarm

Sorry about that post, I was super-tired and feeling super down at the moment and probably running a bit of a fever. It was overly-dramatic. I mean, I'm still feeling pretty down, but not as emotional after a nap. Back to feeling tired though after a trip to the grocery store and some cleaning up. I'm not as strong as I thought I was.

I don't know about therapy. I feel like I'd have to do it in secret which is hard on my schedule and money really is tight right now with student loan payments and my wife's business still running as a monthly loss. I just don't know.

Thanks for the kind words. It is nice to hear that some people think I'm an okay person. My wife is a good person, but I think I've just let her down too many times. It used to be that if I was careful and didn't make mistakes things would be good. But I just made too many mistakes and made her feel unimportant to me. I just don't think I'm capable of not forgetting something or getting wrapped up in some other task and not paying enough attention to her. I suspect I'm just not capable of being a good enough person in a relationship to have one last. I've been diagnosed with Asperger's twice independently, so I know I'm defective and I hate my wife coming across as a bad person because of my problems. She really isn't. I'm just not good enough.

Gud, if nothing else, please go read the book The Gift of Fear. Seriously.

Gud,

Consider:

The infection in your leg, whatever the cause, required professional treatment to resolve, and you got that.

Having thoughts along the lines of "I'm a shitty person," whatever the cause, also requires professional treatment to resolve. Get that.

The one is no less dangerous than the other.

Gud, crazed killers have fulfilling relationships. You are more than able to have a good one with someone who loves you back.