Gud, I know you said you can't afford therapy but you really can't afford not to with those words playing in your head. If you won't do it for you, please do it for your kids.

Gud, I know you said you can't afford therapy

Lots of therapists have sliding-scale payment plans. And your company probably has an EAP that could point you toward good resources.

t quietly surrounds Gud in bubble wrap while he naps and sets an alarm

Sorry about that post, I was super-tired and feeling super down at the moment and probably running a bit of a fever. It was overly-dramatic. I mean, I'm still feeling pretty down, but not as emotional after a nap. Back to feeling tired though after a trip to the grocery store and some cleaning up. I'm not as strong as I thought I was.

I don't know about therapy. I feel like I'd have to do it in secret which is hard on my schedule and money really is tight right now with student loan payments and my wife's business still running as a monthly loss. I just don't know.

Thanks for the kind words. It is nice to hear that some people think I'm an okay person. My wife is a good person, but I think I've just let her down too many times. It used to be that if I was careful and didn't make mistakes things would be good. But I just made too many mistakes and made her feel unimportant to me. I just don't think I'm capable of not forgetting something or getting wrapped up in some other task and not paying enough attention to her. I suspect I'm just not capable of being a good enough person in a relationship to have one last. I've been diagnosed with Asperger's twice independently, so I know I'm defective and I hate my wife coming across as a bad person because of my problems. She really isn't. I'm just not good enough.

Gud, if nothing else, please go read the book The Gift of Fear. Seriously.

Gud,

Consider:

The infection in your leg, whatever the cause, required professional treatment to resolve, and you got that.

Having thoughts along the lines of "I'm a shitty person," whatever the cause, also requires professional treatment to resolve. Get that.

The one is no less dangerous than the other.

Gud, crazed killers have fulfilling relationships. You are more than able to have a good one with someone who loves you back.

My wife is a good person

Nope. Although, I don't know her, so I guess I can't really say.

But she is not acting like a good person. If she makes you feel this way, then she should know something is wrong, and she should want to fix it. If you want to go to therapy, for example, she should support you, even if she's not willing to attend herself.

She can be mad at you, but she cannot behave in a way that makes you believe you're worthless or broken.

Gud. I do not for one moment think you are a shitty person. What's more, being diagnosed on the spectrum does not make you defective. I'm deaf in one ear. Sometimes people have to work a little harder to get my attention so I answer their questions or do something they would like me to do. Does that make me defective? Shitty? A bad person who doesn't deserve to have loving, respectful relationships with the people close to me? I hope not.

I've been diagnosed with Asperger's twice independently, so I know I'm defective and I hate my wife coming across as a bad person because of my problems. She really isn't. I'm just not good enough.

I can't even.