Your mood may also be affected by your time in the hospital. You can't ever get good sleep, you already don't feel well, it's an unfamiliar environment, your routines are disrupted.

But your wife should be taking care of you after you come home from the bleeping hospital.

She seems super mad at and I have no idea why. I probably did something shitty because I'm a shitty person.

Your wife is the shitty person. Only an abusive asshole treats their spouse like shit when he comes home from the hospital. She is an abusive piece of shit, and I wish you would take the kids and leave her. All 3 of you would be better off without her abusive, poisonous presence in your life.

Gud, please believe us when we say that you are a worthwhile person. The world would be a lesser place without you in it, we would all miss you, and your children would miss you terribly. It's hard to believe that about yourself sometimes when you're stuck in an abusive situation and you can't see a way out, but you're not a shitty person. It's terrible that your wife would make you feel that way at any point, but especially when you just got out of the hospital.

I live at RDU airport now.

RDU airport is very possibly a shitty person. Gud is not.

Gud, I know you said you can't afford therapy but you really can't afford not to with those words playing in your head. If you won't do it for you, please do it for your kids.

Gud, I know you said you can't afford therapy

Lots of therapists have sliding-scale payment plans. And your company probably has an EAP that could point you toward good resources.

t quietly surrounds Gud in bubble wrap while he naps and sets an alarm

Sorry about that post, I was super-tired and feeling super down at the moment and probably running a bit of a fever. It was overly-dramatic. I mean, I'm still feeling pretty down, but not as emotional after a nap. Back to feeling tired though after a trip to the grocery store and some cleaning up. I'm not as strong as I thought I was.

I don't know about therapy. I feel like I'd have to do it in secret which is hard on my schedule and money really is tight right now with student loan payments and my wife's business still running as a monthly loss. I just don't know.

Thanks for the kind words. It is nice to hear that some people think I'm an okay person. My wife is a good person, but I think I've just let her down too many times. It used to be that if I was careful and didn't make mistakes things would be good. But I just made too many mistakes and made her feel unimportant to me. I just don't think I'm capable of not forgetting something or getting wrapped up in some other task and not paying enough attention to her. I suspect I'm just not capable of being a good enough person in a relationship to have one last. I've been diagnosed with Asperger's twice independently, so I know I'm defective and I hate my wife coming across as a bad person because of my problems. She really isn't. I'm just not good enough.

Gud, if nothing else, please go read the book The Gift of Fear. Seriously.