Damn. Perfect but damn.

I am not ready to do a full recounting of my year, and some of it I probably won't say here, but it was certainly a big year.

Aww.

Please don't hesitate to share the awesome and wonderful events of 2015. We need the balance and it lifts my spirits to hear of my loved ones successes.

2015 was a stressful year. I didn't used to be a person that felt or acknowledged stress. My friends teased me for being so cheery when the world around me was falling apart. I didn't see how it helped anything to be miserable on top of all the rest. The last couple years I have lost touch with that perpetual positive side of my nature and I have felt the stresses and losses to a much more pronounced degree. I'm working on compartmentalizing them again.

2015 left me in a worry and stressed out mode on business and family fronts. But at this point I am ready to put the worry and stress and other purposeless emotions aside again. I'll do what I can do to resolve issues and difficulties, and let go the things I have no control over.

I don't like to resolve, but my focus is on making better choices. Driving the beach instead of the highway. Walking away from my desk for a few minutes to watch the sunset. Maybe even eating at the table instead of the desk, but that might be a stretch.

So more dimples and less grinding of teeth in the new year.

So this year...which is more than just 2015 sucking, the end of 2014 sucked too. I had a tooth removed, I had a horrible flare up of painful bladder syndrome. I missed a lot of work.

I then got sick. Really really sick with viruses, and simultaneous ear infections and sinus infection and another virus, or possibly the same. And a post viral cough that was bad enough to get tested for pertussis. Which I didn't have.

I missed a lot of work. A LOT.

My relationship was ending.

I took a leave from work. Ended my relationship of 7 years. Tried to work on my anxiety and accept a diagnosis of PTSD due to chidlhood medical trauma and bullying instead of (or possibly in addition to bipolar disorder). I tried to go back to work. I had an anxiety attack bad enough to land me in the hospital.

I was in therapy a lot. I managed some times only 4 hours of work a week but then I got up to 12. And I hurt my knee. I was extremely isolated. I decided to move to NC where my family is centered. That was it's own stress.

I quit my job instead of trying to transfer. My short term disability has been screwed up since day one and I'm still waiting to find out if they'll pay me for June 1 to September 30. Maybe, maybe not. I don't know.

But I learned some things about myself. I'm closer to people and interacting with them more (which is hard). My finances are a mess and I need a car and I'm 42 and instead of being an upbeat year it's one where I've felt beat down over and over.

My goal for December is find a therapist. Find a shrink and figure out when or if or how I can start working. Right now I'm not sure what's going to happen.

The bright spots are: lots of hugs from my nephew. And becasue of some of the things I've learned about myself I've found a group ..maybe..to socialize with here in NC. Maybe.

Also lots of hugs from my nephew.

A new start in a new place with support. It sounds good to me, asyke. Hugs also a very good thing.

Oh, asyke. From the very few glimpses I caught at Bitches this year, I knew you had a rough year, but I had no idea it was this rough and ground shattering. I'm sorry. May 2016 bring you the stability, love, and healing needed. Much ~ma from here.

I thought my year was going to be okay, if not quite as beautiful or magical as I might prefer, but I guess it bit me hard on its way out.

Thanks Shir. Just having support around me is helpful. Hard to get used to at times but helpful.

Well on thing is looking up with the help of Dad I have a car. The payments will be manageable. Honda Fit. The sales guy was nice.

The first place we went to the sales guy was a former high school coach...he lacked tact.

Oh, this year.

Yeah, fuck this year.