My ski club hired a winter caretaker with a cat, and the board didn't tell any of the members. So my sister arrived there yesterday for a work party and had to leave without spending the night: my entire family is allergic to cats and this is not negotiable.

I wasn't planning on skiing much this winter anyway, but this makes it that much more unlikely.

Gud, I haven't said anything before, but I feel I have to. I don't know if you know this, but I was a certified domestic violence counselor when I was in college, and I spent a year working with abused women at a shelter. What you've described in your many posts is classic emotional (also know as psychological) and verbal abuse, which may not leave physical scars, but can result in chronic anxiety, depression, internalized feelings of worthlessness, and even PTSD. Telling victims to leave is generally considered counterproductive since most victims of abuse have so internalized the systematic abuse that they come to believe they are worthless or that the abuse is their own fault, something I've seen you express many times.

I was in an emotionally abusive relationship when I was in college. He belittled me, made me feel guilty about not doing things the "right" way (I once got screamed at for turning the knife block the wrong direction when cleaning the kitchen, and I think that your post just triggered that for me and made me need to say something), drive recklessly when I was in the car to scare me (that's actually a type of physical abuse), and once piled all of my belongings by the door of our apartment because he was so disgusted with me. Those are just a few of the many daily humiliations I suffered in that relationship. But I loved him. And I didn't see the bigger picture because I'd never learned about the cycle of violence.

Violence doesn't have to be physical. What eventually set me free was learning about the cycle of violence and seeing the pattern in my own life. I had to accept that it wasn't my fault, and I had to believe that someone else could love me — or that I could love myself. I also did not have to worry about children, which complicates a lot.

This relationship is what led to my work at the shelter in years to come. And I need to share this information with you because the pattern is, to my trained eye, so clear. I will never tell you to leave. That is a decision only you can make. But I do want to give you a link to to sites just to consider.

The Cycle of Violence: [link]

Something to note about the cycle: the longer an abusive relationship goes, the quicker the cycle moves, and eventually the honeymoon phase disappears.

Domestic Violence Against Men: [link]

I will never tell you what to do, but I will tell you that you are in an emotionally abusive relationship, and there is help out there. Consider calling the domestic abuse hotline if you want people to talk to who understand the power of emotional abuse.

[link]

And no matter what you decide, know you have support here.

Gud, that's totally unreasonable.

Maybe, but that's not really anything I can do about it. If I were to push back things would get really nasty. I can't risk things falling apart completely. She's already said there's no way she'd let me have custody of the kids and I have a feeling she'd try to keep me from seeing them at all. I don't see a male with aspergers and a job that takes me out of town three days a week winning that fight. I'm not sure I'd have the viciousness for that fight. Plus, she needs me until she gets her career going. The only solution is to fix things, but I don't know how. It's a bad spot.

Oh. I think someone tried to get me some help once. Please don't. That attempt backfired rather badly. I appreciate the thought, I really do, but help doesn't always end up being helpful.

I suspect we cross-posted. Just going to add that yes, children make things infinitely more complicated, and you have a right to stay if you want to or feel you need to. But that, too — her threatening to take the children — is a classic sign of abuse. And you be surprised what the courts will see when the truth of the abuse is laid out — but it's valid to be concerned that there will could be a bias against you because you are male. The courts have come further than you think, though.

And it is also true that attempts to help someone if they aren't ready or aren't able to leave almost always make things worse.

And one more piece of advice and then I'll shut up — if nothing else, start documenting everything. Every time she belittles you or abuses you in any way, emotional or physical or verbal. You've done that a little on this board. These kinds of posts or journals are frequently used in custody trials.

But truly, the most important thing for you to know is that this is a safe place, and we hear you.

That is crazy, Gud. It seems to me that she...looks for reasons to be upset. To put it mildly. They are your children too. Granted, you would have to say more than you want about...situations like that, but a case could be made, if you had to.

I have tears in my eyes, Gud. Honestly, when you consider the children also consider that they are learning about interpersonal relationships every day in their home, and this isn't what you want them to learn. You have a right to be respected and valued. We don't want you to feel piled on, but we don't want to see you abused either. And this is abuse.

Thanks for the support.

You're a good guy...you deserve some peace at home.

I hope you find a path through this, Gud.

I successfully bought bras today. $60 bras, but less trauma than usual. Afraid I was a little abrupt with the sales lady at first, but then made sure to make nice later (because she was just doing her job and proved really helpful, I'm just a problem child who walks into a bra shop ready to be failed.) Real shocker? Going from about to-self-destruct, now slightly-too-large cups of a 34DD to a 36C. With my rib age circumference having shrunk. Bra sizing, I don't get you. But I do know that only balconettes avoid giving me quadraboob, and they're frighteningly few options there.

And I bought a new reinforced cable for my iPad, one that hopefully Pumpkin won't chew on. I had way too much duck tape and electrical tape on the old (which she also didn't mind chewing, damnit.)

Last day of outdoor swim tomorrow! Hoping to fix my funky tan lines, not burn. And do some yard work.