The lightning bugs are out in force tonight.

Aw. Lightning bugs are the one thing I miss from the Midwest...

I totally miss lightning bugs.

I have to get ready to go to UCLA tomorrow. blargh. It's all good, right?

I'm going to my college reunion (in Ohio) next week and excited to see fireflies again.

Uhm. Really bad day today.

So. Therapy this morning, Yet again, it's me trying to come to terms with the abuse I went through growing up, and not making much progress. I've always dealt with the pain of rejection and loneliness by withdrawing. It's just so hard for me to open up about it with anyone, including my therapist.

So then, I get into work. I keep hearing chatter going on in all the cubes around me, and then I piece together what happened: a coworker suddenly dropped dead yesterday. 50 years old (a few months older than me), a triathlete. Nobody knows why, lots of speculation. The thing is, I only learn the news by listening in on the conversations going on around me. There has been no official announcement, and none of my colleagues showed any interest in including me in their conversations. My supervisor was in the next cube over talking with some of my colleagues, but just didn't bother to call me over.

The thing is, if someone had come up to me and said that so-and-so had died, I wouldn't be sure who they were talking about. I've been at this job for several years, but I'm really, really bad with names, and it's incredibly difficult for me to put names to faces. Even though I was in a meeting with this guy the day before. So I'm thinking maybe they're right in assuming that I probably don't care.

So after work, I go to get a drink. I really need a drink. A bartender I know has a shift at a bar near me on Wednesdays. I get there, and notice that she is visibly shaken up. Yesterday, she had left her phone behind at one of her other gigs. Today, she recovered her phone, and there were a whole bunch of messages from her Dad. Her Dad went to the doctor yesterday, and then the doctor immediately called an ambulance and sent him to the ER with some kind of serious heart issue. She was freaking out, and was waiting for someone to come in and fill in the rest of her shift. I tried to be as supportive as I could, but really wasn't a whole lot.

So then, after drinking, I walked around for a while and took photographs. Which is how I deal with things nowadays.

Life sucks sometimes, Tom. But you take beautiful pictures. Are you selling prints yet?

Tom, that's a lot of serious shit on top of both the ongoing work you're doing (which might feel like a slog to you, but you keep doing it, and that counts*) AND, Jesus Christ, the whole world going to hell.

And here's what I think about coping mechanisms: they exist for a reason -- to get us through the shit that we cannot fucking cope with. I'm on record as saying that even poor coping mechanisms are sometimes the only thing that saves your damn life, because as bad as the coping mechanisms are (like my brother's alcoholism), the shit you're dealing with (or, I guess, NOT) is so much worse.

Which is not a statement on your life, or my brother's, or mine. It's just...a statement. You take pictures, you get a drink, you withdraw when you have to. You know what? It's what you need to do right now.

*(I'm not trying to be a cheerleader about you going to therapy, because therapy can suck. It can be hard and boring and ridiculous and feel pointless. But I think that as long as you keep going, even when the progress feels glacial, it's an overall good. And you are SO worth it.)

(And -- ignore this if it's not what you need to hear right now, but sometimes I, personally, just need to hear this: fuck your family, man. Seriously. Damn.) (Bastion of mental health, c'est moi.) (But really. My brother gets random texts in the middle of the night from me and all they say is "Fuck our mother's narcissism." Someone has to say it.)

Tom, you are a beloved, and whatever gets you through to the next day.

3 hours of cleaning, and I skipped the rooms that were closed off and don't really have bad dust. In comparison, normally doing all the floors takes a little over 2 hrs. Over 6 water changes.

I think my cats are in recovery. They both slept a lot today at Anna's and were quite subdued tonight. First couple of days of new digs! Confusion! Chaos! Wore them out. Like me, they like their routines, and boy, have those been fucked.

Now I gotta inventory my paint supplies and debate color changes and make a piece of trim and recaulk my tub (this came to light. 7 years not a bad run for a first time job.) Look's like I'll be painting the ceiling this weekend at the very least.

Tom, reading through your post made me sad that you had such a shitty day, but it sounds like you're recognizing that some of your coping mechanisms, like withdrawing, may not be doing you favors now. You needed them then to survive and maybe you still need them now, but you can identify that this may be causing you problems. That's pretty fucking insightful, man.

Also, hi! I've been in a mindfulness meditation retreat all day. I talked to strangers about my feelings. I had to stare into a stranger dude's eyes. I went to lunch with strangers and had stimulating conversation. I had homework to practice mindful eating, so I sat down and focused on this yuzu mousse I picked up and it was delicious.

I did not die in an agony of embarrassment, although I am delighted to be at home in silence now. Maybe this is too much personal growth for one day.