(Okay, now I am taking another (or possibly the first) pill. Worst that can happen is some stomach unhappiness, and that would make a lovely break from the pounding head.)
If I can follow up on some of what Liese's saying, it sounds like a lot of the time, your wife is ascribing motive to you, Gud. If you don't get something done, or if you do something she disagrees with, she decides that it's because you're intentionally trying to hurt or upset her. The key is separating those things, and it's something I find hard to do.
Just because my husband follows behind me to correct the way I load the dishwasher (which will always irk me), it doesn't mean he's doing it on purpose to irritate me, or because he thinks I'm an idiot who can't put things in the dishwasher, or because he thinks he should be in control of everything.
I can't armchair diagnose what's going on, but if she's going to always conflate what you do with who you are, that's going to cause problems. Some people are probably really good at separating those things. For me, I have to work at it, and it's a learned skill like so many other things.
Liese, I respect you so much. As the post is temporary, I won't go into specifics, but it's a tremendous help for me in dealing with and reframing some of the downsides of my activist spaces.
Liese, thank you, and mad respect. I see a LOT of myself in that post and working on changing some of the less than stellar behaviors is one of the hardest things I've ever done. I feel a little less alone now. Much love.
Liese, thank you so much for sharing that. It means a lot.
I've had to do a lot of work to let go of perfectionism, because it was doing me zero good. Also taking more ownership over my own actions and what I can control, and doing my best to let go of things I can't control. I meditate to practice being calm so that I can take a moment and not react defensively or disrespectfully. I'm still a jerk in my head a lot of the time, but I'm not as much of a jerk as I used to be, so work in progress.
Thanks very much for being brave enough to post that in order to offer a friend perspective, Liese.
If you don't get something done, or if you do something she disagrees with, she decides that it's because you're intentionally trying to hurt or upset her.
Oh, dear lord, that haunted the first years of my marriage. Given I only had Hubby's word for it, but his ex seems to have been that kind of manipulative (given she'd gone through 4 husbands in a pattern of "marry him, get pregnant, divorce him and get support", no, really 4 times, there may have been pre-meditation). But eventually, enough repetitions of "Why would I intentionally want to hurt you?" got through to him. Mostly.
Liese, that was very brave of you. Thank you for sharing your perspective.
Gud, because it should be repeated: you're a good, worthwhile person. Please take care of yourself.
Gud, listen to Liese, she is wise.
Liese, thank you so much for that.
