Thank you for trusting us with that, Liese. And for sharing what is presumably not comfortable to help someone else.

Thank you so much for sharing that, Liese.

Liese, thank you.

yeah, what Kate said.

I want to offer my thanks also, Liese, and acknowledgment of how hard it must surely have been. I hope it helps Gud, but my thanks are personal, it helps me understand my sister a little better. She's an angry person too, and a good and worthwhile person in spite of the not-good way she deals with it.

(Okay, now I am taking another (or possibly the first) pill. Worst that can happen is some stomach unhappiness, and that would make a lovely break from the pounding head.)

If I can follow up on some of what Liese's saying, it sounds like a lot of the time, your wife is ascribing motive to you, Gud. If you don't get something done, or if you do something she disagrees with, she decides that it's because you're intentionally trying to hurt or upset her. The key is separating those things, and it's something I find hard to do.

Just because my husband follows behind me to correct the way I load the dishwasher (which will always irk me), it doesn't mean he's doing it on purpose to irritate me, or because he thinks I'm an idiot who can't put things in the dishwasher, or because he thinks he should be in control of everything.

I can't armchair diagnose what's going on, but if she's going to always conflate what you do with who you are, that's going to cause problems. Some people are probably really good at separating those things. For me, I have to work at it, and it's a learned skill like so many other things.

Liese, I respect you so much. As the post is temporary, I won't go into specifics, but it's a tremendous help for me in dealing with and reframing some of the downsides of my activist spaces.

Liese, thank you.

Liese, thank you, and mad respect. I see a LOT of myself in that post and working on changing some of the less than stellar behaviors is one of the hardest things I've ever done. I feel a little less alone now. Much love.

Liese, thank you so much for sharing that. It means a lot.

I've had to do a lot of work to let go of perfectionism, because it was doing me zero good. Also taking more ownership over my own actions and what I can control, and doing my best to let go of things I can't control. I meditate to practice being calm so that I can take a moment and not react defensively or disrespectfully. I'm still a jerk in my head a lot of the time, but I'm not as much of a jerk as I used to be, so work in progress.