Betsy, that's an excellent point. I'm not saying there's a hierarchy to grief (i.e., I'm grieving more than you are!), per se, because some friends ARE chosen family, and there's no way to quantify a loss.

And yet, I've been thinking, for the past week, if I'm so gutted by ita's death, what must her family be feeling?

I think we can express how very much ita meant to us as a friend without using language that might be hurtful to her family despite the intent behind it.

I support Betsy's statement...also from the perspective that we, meaning the Stateside folks, had the option to be with and see her more often than they did. Which, in a time of grief could be greatly inflated.

I'd love for the statement to be that we loved her like family, but that can be offered with the touch of an arm, rather than in front of the congregation. Especially, as someone else noted, ita had other virtual communities who might lay the same claim.

It's funny, ita is the second person whose death has made me think, 'what is it about this person that makes so MANY people want to claim her as their own?'

My friend Liz was the same way.

I wish I could say the same!

Betsy's right - the chosen family is, for so many of us, absolutely vital, but one of the things I always found magical about ita was how her ability to create and draw people into these chosen families was clearly not so much driven the need for something she'd never had, as by an expansion of the deep groundedness she already had. She knew and loved her parents and Moji so much and was so completely assured of their knowledge and love in return that it gave her a superabundance of... I don't even know. Of superabundance.

I think it would be okay if it was in the context that ita was all about family: first and foremost, her beloved parents and sister and her wide-ranging relatives. That love of family extended to the families she built online....

I love both JZ and Ginger's words.

With regard to the reading- do we know who will be reading? ALlyson? Because I definately support whatever is easiest and feels right for that person, whether it be an excerpt from Safe Harbor from Ann Arbor to something they write themselves to a statement we prepare as a group.

I think it would be safest to stay away from the word family if it even has any potential to hurt her blood family. In addition to family here, ita created and was at the center of a community, in which people near to the center and far from the center feel her loss.

I would not want to hurt ita's family or seem like we are taking away from their grief but I'm at a loss for any other way to describe what she helped build for us.

She was part of our daily lives for many years and she will continue to be a part of our lives. ita was She meant so much to so many people. People who feel honored to have known her and be able to call her a friend

I'm at a loss for any other way to describe what she helped build for us.

Actually, I think you describe it really well here, without using the word "family":

She was part of our daily lives for many years and she will continue to be a part of our lives. ita was She meant so much to so many people. People who feel honored to have known her and be able to call her a friend

Allyson and Burrell, hand off duties to the people who volunteered. Speaking from previous experience in this sort of situation, there are good people who can help, who want to help, and want to make sure you're coping as ... not well, but as adequately as you're able to.

THERE IS NO BLAME OR SHAME ABOUT NOT COPING. There really, really isn't.

Dana, insent. Assistance please.