Betsy's right - the chosen family is, for so many of us, absolutely vital, but one of the things I always found magical about ita was how her ability to create and draw people into these chosen families was clearly not so much driven the need for something she'd never had, as by an expansion of the deep groundedness she already had. She knew and loved her parents and Moji so much and was so completely assured of their knowledge and love in return that it gave her a superabundance of... I don't even know. Of superabundance.

I think it would be okay if it was in the context that ita was all about family: first and foremost, her beloved parents and sister and her wide-ranging relatives. That love of family extended to the families she built online....

I love both JZ and Ginger's words.

With regard to the reading- do we know who will be reading? ALlyson? Because I definately support whatever is easiest and feels right for that person, whether it be an excerpt from Safe Harbor from Ann Arbor to something they write themselves to a statement we prepare as a group.

I think it would be safest to stay away from the word family if it even has any potential to hurt her blood family. In addition to family here, ita created and was at the center of a community, in which people near to the center and far from the center feel her loss.

I would not want to hurt ita's family or seem like we are taking away from their grief but I'm at a loss for any other way to describe what she helped build for us.

She was part of our daily lives for many years and she will continue to be a part of our lives. ita was She meant so much to so many people. People who feel honored to have known her and be able to call her a friend

I'm at a loss for any other way to describe what she helped build for us.

Actually, I think you describe it really well here, without using the word "family":

She was part of our daily lives for many years and she will continue to be a part of our lives. ita was She meant so much to so many people. People who feel honored to have known her and be able to call her a friend

Allyson and Burrell, hand off duties to the people who volunteered. Speaking from previous experience in this sort of situation, there are good people who can help, who want to help, and want to make sure you're coping as ... not well, but as adequately as you're able to.

THERE IS NO BLAME OR SHAME ABOUT NOT COPING. There really, really isn't.

Dana, insent. Assistance please.

THERE IS NO BLAME OR SHAME ABOUT NOT COPING. There really, really isn't.

I've been on both sides, there really isn't. People who helped me get through a day or week or month were my most cherished thing. Because I could. And getting through an hour or day or whatever felt impossible without them some days.

Obit is, for the most part, written, with the help of Kat and Ginger along with Allyson and myself. But thank you to everyone for being so supportive and making suggestions. Other writings can percolate for now, and I'm sure we as a group will put together a piece or several pieces that speak to our love for her.

I have thoughts about the family thing, the main one being that, for me, there's no way that my grief could compare to her family's. Every loss creates it's own ache, but from what I've seen the loss of a child must be almost unbearable. But as for our use of the term "family" to describe ita, well, that's more complicated. I felt like my sister's friends in many ways got to see and share the best parts of her, and so had a clearer and more satisfying grief than I did as her actual family, because she pushed us away. But I felt no anger or resentment towards her friends who described her as family; they meant it. I lost a sister, but they lost a friend, a confidant, a nurturer, a guide, a hostess, a gourmand, an expert.

Which I guess boils down to saying there's more than one kind of family, and respecting their loss is what's key, not what we call ours.