It's not their ita and that's fine.

She was slightly different to all who knew her.

The things that they are willing to part with due to a lack of sentimentality for every thing or just being overwhelmed, we are grateful because we can maybe now have a tangible thing that we know is from ita. Reminds us. Brings us together.

I'm glad we're all somehow together even hating the why.

I just realized why I felt like I wanted to be Nanita here. The last three letters of my name.

Man, that hit me so hard when I reconized it that I fell back onto the couch, heaving.

Oh honey.

I kind of wish I had sent her things more lasting than Ting and Champaign Cola, but those were the things she wanted at that time. I do have some shoes she sent me.

Man, that hit me so hard when I reconized it that I fell back onto the couch, heaving.

I'm sorry, Nanita. I had an ugly crying session just last night because I read something sad, and it just set me off.

I found an ankh for you, Jilli.

Oh G-d. Thank you. I suspect it will be added to the talisman necklace.

I nearly lost it when poking around the TV threads a little while back and finding that ita had been watching Sleepy Hollow, and that I agreed with pretty much all of her comments on the show. I didn't know she was watching it too! I wish I'd been here talking about it with her.

[Typed before coffee, apologies for incoherence]

Thank you for doing this hard task, Polgara and Allyson and Burrell and moji and everyone else involved. I am glad it was better than you thought it'll be.

I nearly lost it when poking around the TV threads a little while back and finding that ita had been watching Sleepy Hollow, and that I agreed with pretty much all of her comments on the show. I didn't know she was watching it too! I wish I'd been here talking about it with her.

Back in the days I still lurked and didn't participate (2007, I think), when Nilly was trying to get me fixed on this community, I wrote her the following in email:

"Oh wow. I simply admire ita. Here's a woman who has my opinion on almost everything, and is able to write it so much better, so much more eloquently". Nilly's response was: "welcome to the club, darling. Everyone admire ita".

I am trying to remember who I have already given Vampire People to so I can now give copies to everyone else I know to help explain.

I've been carrying it around with me the week after she passed away (you see, I'm writing this sentence, and I'm still refusing to believe she's gone. I just know that I should be using that tense, but it still makes zero sense). To help explaining this to some very few selected individuals. Most of the people around me don't get virtual friendships, so I never told them what happened. When one of my best friends online died unexpectedly in August 2012, I was somewhat prepared to tell about it to my parents - but when I came back home they didn't ask what was wrong with me, or if everything's OK. So I never explained this to them. And I didn't try to explain ita to them, either. The only people I try to explain this to are those who are affected by my lack of normal functioning - boss, close friends, etc. But I hate the look I'm getting from people Who Don't Get It. As if virtual friendships are less in any way from real life friendships, and that I'm probably just overreacting. I hate it so much I avoid trying to explain this to people might won't be able to get it.

I told one of my co-workers about ita and the whole concept of the board and she pretty much understood it completely. She's Chinese and there's a chat room kind of thing (not just texting) that the Chinese kids (and adults) use on their phones and as soon as I told her about the Buffistas her face lit up and she mentioned that. She was very sympathetic to the loss of an online friend. My dad kind of understands; whenever I go to a F2F he immediately asks, "Is that with your Buffy friends?" It's just another option to the way you made friends in the 30s and 40s: clubs, school, military, hobbies were where you made friends, now with added internet.

'I Lived' by One Republic pops on the radio every time I'm in the car and a couple of lines bring tears to my eyes. I mean, I think of ita through the entire song but...

The only way you can know, You give it all you have

Because she did. And so I begin to smile, just a little. Until..

And I hope that you don't suffer, But take the pain

Because on the one hand, when she was closer to 100% and kicking ass at krav, she took the pain. On the other, she did suffer. Too much.

On a much lighter note, I had a strange and wonderful dream regarding ita early this morning. Not sure how much time had passed but we'd crafted a note and slid it under the door of her apartment. Someone else was living there and we watched them read the letter through a window (except when we were all watching it unfold on a theatre screen because dreams are like that). Basically the note said that if they had experienced new interests since moving in there (like suddenly needing to take krav classes, be an action figure, collect all the hotness on the internet and create a website dedicated to displaying all of it), that they should come visit us here on b.org. We would be happy to fill them in on the previous tenant of their home and explain how some of her might still resonate there.

It was bittersweet and felt real enough that I was a little surprised to wake up in my bed rather than sitting in a movie theatre with all of you.