Older bro is back from rehab and doing better, looks better, actually talking. Today was the date of his wedding that of course didn't happen.

"Take care of yourself" was the closest I got to acknowledging that his life sucks/is ruined. Listened to him lecture me on how I needed to speak up at work and to embrace new technology when I can in fact disable the new functions of Windows 8 and my job isn't technology based, so please kindly fuck off if I want to be a 36 y/o complaining about those damned kids on my lawn with their new-fangled technology. And it just reminded me all over again how much I don't like him. Because our conversation should not have ended up with him lecturing me about how I needed to keep up to date with technology or I'd be left behind. I have no idea where that came from, or how it was relevant to my life.

Which is just so him. Back when I was in highschool and a high honors student and he was writing me letters from jail, he was always giving out life advice, and don't I dare disregard him. I tried to disown him then and soon realized it would mean disowning my mom. So I played nice and didn't talk about anything real. Two decades later, I still nothing that loser, and when mom asks me in his presence if I want her to pass the phone to him, I say yes and talk nonsense and hang up on him as soon as I can. Because I can't offer my condolences, because it's all his fault, and I thought his fiancé was a dumbass for being involved with him to begin with and leaving him is the smartest thing she's done in the tenure of my knowing her. And I won't give advice, because he's great at being a yes-man and talking about how he's going to get his life back together and making you believe him. Whatever you say man, so long as it involves you moving out of my childhood room so I can visit the rest of my family again.

Whew.

Went into work for a half hour to meet with potential donors who want a memorial tree. That was hard, because I vaguely knew the guy, and it was recent, and the wife (my age, he died of cancer) was obviously still raw and fragile while her in-laws were rocks. Just the second-hand restrained grief was enough to make me shaky, and also feel like an ass I showcased trees for them and pointed out their features. I wished I'd not known the guy at all, or known him a whole lot better.

Julie, you did them a kindness. That's what matters and what they needed.

What sarameg said.

I 'm glad you were there for them , Juliebird. Even if you didn't know him well. it is always nice to deal with someone that knew your loved one, even if it was a little

That was A Day. Mostly it was good, although one woman came who I honestly wouldn't have invited and I hope I never have to see her again. My sister loved her, but I do not. But everyone else was lovely to see, and lovely to see them find mementos, often gifts they had given my sister. And look through old photos, which are still kind of hard for me actually. All in all, an exercise in letting go.

There is still too much left that I will need to box up.

One unexpected and sweet moment: my brother gave me a gold/zirconia ring (I assume its zirconia and not diamond) that he found one day on the street. He gave it to me because he realized it would fit perfectly, and it does. Said it was for being a good sister and taking care of the estate. Made me a little teary.

That is sweet, Burrell. I'm glad the day was mostly good.

Well, I accomplished very little today, but I pretty much did what I had planned, so I'll call that a win.

Tomorrow I will be more ambitious.

Ambitious is over rated, especially on a Sunday.

More ambitious than today is still a low bar, believe me.

The fact that you are acknowledging that you will be ambitious, is perhaps, more ambitious than I already plan on being.