I'm angry at my parents; except that they're my parents and I love them and I don't want to be angry at them.

You can be angry at them and still love them. It's a weird place, mentally and emotionally (particularly if you were raised like I was and you weren't allowed to be angry at your parents), but -- you can love them and still be angry at them. In fact, you can love them, be angry at them, AND never express that anger TO them (if doing so would be totally unproductive).

Eventually you have to feel your anger, even if you think it's overwhelming enough to destroy the world. (Remember the episode of Angel -- stay with me here -- with the woman who had telekinetic power, and an abusive shithead of a father, and when the father showed up, all the windows in the Hyperion exploded out, because, hey, traumatic telekinetic reaction to abusive shithead father? My anger felt like that, like I would blow shit up if I let it out. It still feels like that sometimes, like I could Hulk the fuck out and destroy the world.)

I also don't want to be like my dad.

I feel that. God, do I feel that. I just tend to think that, because you're actively dealing with this, you're way ahead of the game. You're extremely likely to be aware of any tendencies you have to be like your dad, and to deal with them.

Having fucked-up parents (who you still love) really blows. Hard. And I wish you didn't have to deal with it. But, in case you don't have perspective right now, you've been dealing with it so well. You really, really have.

What Tep--and others--have said, Tom. You are dealing with it. And you have an amazing heart. We're all on your side.

Happy Birthday to Lee!

with cake!

And candles! Or sparklers--your choice.

Happy Happy Birthday, Lee! Have cake and booze!

Happy Birthday, Lee!

What Tep and -t said. They are wise.

You know the are other ways to be, so you are ahead, Tom. I hope you find ways to trust yourself soon.

Happy birthday ,lee

The guy we had the babyshower for last week brought in blueberry scones as a "thank you" (we can totally get stuck in an endless cycle of gratitude with people making treats because they got treats. As endless cycles go, it's not a bad one) so I am having a blueberry scone with my tea.

I can't judge its emotional maturity.

Tom, what Teppy said. I love my parents, but they were active alcoholics when I was a kid and that sucked A LOT. I had a LOT of anger built-up and it took me a long time to be able to express. During therapy, I regularly had dreams of murdering them, which was scary as hell. However, my therapist kept reminding me that feelings aren't actions. I didn't have to control my feelings, just my actions. So I needed to let myself feel the rage and disappointment and whatever else came up. I didn't have to tell them, or anyone, really, unless I felt it was necessary. Learning to feel my feelings, rather than to judge, repress and/or fight them was the main benefit I got from my years of therapy--and it was HUGE.

Happy birthday, Lee!

Tom, what Teppy said about parents and anger is so, SO true.