That sounds like such a bizarro definition of forgiveness to me. Huh.

Thanks, all - I definitely don't feel I owe *her* forgiveness; my unforgiveness is a weight on me alone, and the moral obligation is infinitely more to my faith and the centrality of giving and accepting forgiveness than to Rage!Nurse, who doesn't think she needs it and wouldn't know what to do with it.

If I'm right and there's an afterlife and a Guardian thereof, she's going to have to come to her own reckoning with the way she was -- that's on her, and it's her story, not mine (to roughly paraphrase Aslan, nobody is told any story but her own). And if I'm wrong, then there's no reckoning and my hanging onto and nursing my grievance (not tending to the wounds, but worrying at them to keep them fresh and raw) is even more utterly pointless.

My story is how I dealt and continue to deal with it, and I really don't like the part of the story where I have to face that piece of me that still wants to punch and kick and laugh meanly at her and ruin her last living moments. That piece of me is fairly shitty and poisonous -- she's responding to real and vile harm, but she's still poison. Gotta figure out how to get her to either unclench her fists from this badness she's got a chokehold on or just tantrum herself out until it's all vented.

eta: Jilli, yeah. My mom loves to quote a long-ago mentor who told her, "Forgive by all means, but don't ever forget. Forgive the people who've hurt you, but don't give them the chance to need your forgiveness again."

That's a fine thing to want to work on, JZ, but there's no timetable for it. And I think "love your enemy" goes for the parts of yourself you don't like as well as other people, for what that's worth.

Hippo birdies to Plei!

It turns out that the recruiter was waiting for me to contact her even though she said she'd contact me. Okay! I'm glad I sent her an email yesterday, because I would like to get details on start dates and such so I can plan out the next few months of my life.

That piece of me is fairly shitty and poisonous -- she's responding to real and vile harm, but she's still poison.

That part is so hard. Righteous anger feels so good in the moment but you can't make it your precious.

Man, catching up on emails from yesterday afternoon tricked me into thinking it was much later in the day than it actually is.

Happy birthday, Plei!

happy birthday, Plei!

Birthday Happies, Plei!

Super Happy Birthday, Plei!

Happy birthday, Plei!

It's been my experience that hanging on to anger and resentment does me little good, and doesn't hurt the other person at all: if they're sufficiently toxic, they'll think it's funny I'm spending so much emotional energy on them. And if they're just oblivious, it won't mean anything at all to them.

But it is hella hard to turn away from that anger and spend my emotional energy in other ways, better ways. Living well is -- well, it's not effective revenge, because it assumes the other person cares one way or another (and I don't think they do). But it's the best thing for me, anyway. Really, the best I have managed is to move my life away from those situations, and let myself forget about them. It's not been a conscious thing.

I hope you can find your way to peace with it, JZ. That's a tough situation, and it must be so hard to have pity for someone who treated you so badly. But it shows that you are a better person than she is, because you actually care about other people and things like justice and kindness.