"Because somebody awesome is dead and you're not. Either awesome or dead."

THIS.

I just talked to my sister. Weirdly, she just found out today that one of her long-distance friends died suddenly a couple days ago. So we commiserated for a while. It was good, to be able to do that; it's always been hard to share emotional stuff with my sister. If she can't relate, she... just can't relate.

And now I'm just tired. I'd go on to bed, but I can't relax yet.

all I could think was, "How can you guys even care about this? This is so unimportant."

Lately I've been feeling like I needed to realign my life's priorities. There are a lot of signs along the road that say, focus on what matters. Most people don't see them. ita did. She wasn't one of those people who left undone the things she really wanted to do while she focused on things she "should" do; when she wanted to do something, it seems she just went and did it, to the best of her ability. She didn't put the special things on a list for someday. Someday was now. She didn't leave the world wishing she'd got around to taking those krav classes, or taking up drawing, or wondering what she would've looked like in a tie or a pink gingham dress or a really short blond haircut, or trying to get up the courage to move to LA. She did it. That's what I want to bring into my life from today, from my memory of ita. There's no someday. Someday is now.

And I'm crying again. Okay.

MM and I are Buff-diving and periodically laughing and crying.

Oh, I need to update that. Because I just bet you there are some gems from ita in the COMM thread that I've never seen because I wasn't always in the same threads.

so scrolling through the board is just making me cry a lot but I can't stop because I need it - and all of you - so much right now.

Me too.

So this is what it feels like to not be able to even. Because I haven't been able to even all day. So yeah, I can't even.

Yes.

I have been hitting my backlog of Good Stuff Happened Today pretty hard. Which also sometimes makes me cry a lot, but, you know.

Oh, Buff-diving, I had totally forgotten about that. So amazing. I would lose house just refreshing over and over.

I'll join the chorus of people comforted by her being online.

Add me to that list.

So this is what it feels like to not be able to even. Because I haven't been able to even all day. So yeah, I can't even.

I figure tonight will be a lot of Tumblr browsing, because distraction.

Buff-diving link? I lost it when my old laptop died.

I made us order Appleton rum cake at dessert tonight. It was awful, I'll need to make my own. But seeing it on the menu and ordering felt like something.

brenda - [link]

I am home but wanted to read through the thread before I posted. Thank you everyone for your kind words. It has been a rough day. It was an even rougher night. Thank God for Paula and Allyson and Kristen and Kat and Lori. Seriously. I just was so wishing this day wouldn't come.

I just was so wishing this day wouldn't come.

I'm so sorry it did.