We're watching SPN, getting Mal caught up so we had to start all over, and tonight it's half tribute and half painful.

I have the awesomest work team, and although it's an open office they were perfect about me weeping at my computer and also wanting to talk. We talked a bit about how online mourning is good in that we're not all having to wait for the funeral to share the good stories and stuff.

I was rude-ish to a customer today who was dithering over a $40 landline phone an dwanted to open it even though it was sealed (spoiler alert she bought a totally different one she liked without opening it). When i tried to explain, it was sealed she pulled the "But I'm a customer" line that I hate. Outside I was trying my best to be polite.

Inside I was raging some kind really mean spirited Anya fruit punch speech and I wanted to yell at her about how could she care so much about forty dollar land line phone when my friend is DEAD!!

I didn't do that. But all day I kept coming back to this feeling of "how can you act like everything is fine? My family is in mourning. One of our own is gone and how can you people act like everything is fine?

Which is irraational , they don't know ita, but still. I fel the same when my cousin died.

So this is what it feels like to not be able to even. Because I haven't been able to even all day. So yeah, I can't even.

It's weird. I honestly hesitate to use the word friend, because it's not like we were ever close, and we hadn't directly communicated in forever. But it's still...

Yeah.

But all day I kept coming back to this feeling of "how can you act like everything is fine? My family is in mourning. One of our own is gone and how can you people act like everything is fine?

Oh my, yes.

so scrolling through the board is just making me cry a lot but I can't stop because I need it - and all of you - so much right now.

how could she care so much about forty dollar land line phone when my friend is DEAD!!

I had this experience with my very own parents recently. Husband's stepmom is having a partial glossectomy on Thursday due to cancer, and my parents were fighting over a locker at Sea World that didn't work, and all I could think was, "How can you guys even care about this? This is so unimportant."

This feeling is increased a hojillionfold by the loss of ita.

Every non-ita FB post on my feed has really thrown me.

me xbillion.

So this is what it feels like to not be able to even. Because I haven't been able to even all day. So yeah, I can't even.

Yes.

Yeah, my job was just a...irritating distraction today.

"I'm going to the airport."

"Do I give a fuck? No. No, I don't. Because somebody awesome is dead and you're not. Either awesome or dead."

I did not get many tips today.

I had to apologize to passengers today for being distracted, and nearly missing turns. It was good to have something absorbing to work on, and people who had no connection to my grief.

Joe, I like your tagline.

"Because somebody awesome is dead and you're not. Either awesome or dead."

THIS.