It's like, I feel fine with my own day-to-day, but I feel bad that I don't have a kid for my dad to play with.

I feel bad that my mother's DNA stops here and my father doesn't get a re-do on bad parenting decisions. But by the time I feel all that I realise those are pretty crap reasons to reproduce, so if that's all that was tugging at my atrophying ovaries--just as well.

I feel I have spent 43 or so years trying to get my mother to appreciate that I don't look at it like that. My father cares *so* much less, and that kinda surprised me when I worked it out. But I think I'm talking my mother into more understanding of people's opinions on gender dynamics, and if I hide my paltry opinions behind something as momentous as reassignment surgery, maybe she won't mind the men's clothes or baldness so much.

Maybe.

I know my life disappoints them, but I also know it's not my fault. Still feels like mine to carry, though.

I have to call in sick for the whole day. That sleep thing felt really good, and I need to not need the ER this week.

Msbelle, I'm glad your brother has a life he loves. And a sister that is fierce.

And on a personal note, just being able to be a person who can gamble or drink whenever I want to and not have it take over my life? I don't know how I escaped those illnesses, but I did. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop in terms of illnesses that have run in my family for generations, but so far so good.

Oh, javachik, I am right there with you, in a huge way. My family is one big ball of addictions for generations, and I am the only member of my nuclear family who isn't an alcoholic. It's kind of a lot of pressure sometimes.

Edit: Everyone has seen The Breakfast Club as many times as I have, right??

HA! YES!

Last week I had a dream that a former (male) student had a baby that I was holding, but then he needed to go to an interview at UCSB for a job and I talked him into letting me keep the baby. Then I decided I wanted the baby forever. So when I woke up with this on my brain I went and hugged my actual kids and reminded myself that I am too old for another kid nor could I afford one.

Oh, javachik, I am right there with you, in a huge way. My family is one big ball of addictions for generations, and I am the only member of my nuclear family who isn't an alcoholic. It's kind of a lot of pressure sometimes.

Yep. I often quiz myself on the alcohol (did I drink last night? How many nights in a row is this? Am I craving it?) because it's always in the back of my mind. But I can go days without it to no ill effect. So non-alcoholics-though-by-all-rights-we-should-be-UNITE!

It's like, I feel fine with my own day-to-day, but I feel bad that I don't have a kid for my dad to play with.

My parents had four kids, and I know they were disappointed to find themselves reaching old-age without any grandchildren, even though they were careful to hide it. When I called my father at age 86 to tell him he had twin grandsons on the way his response was "You're cutting it kind of close, aren't you?"

Rick, HA!

Heh. Unsurprisingly, I'm sitting in the corner with Jesse, javachik, Tep, msbelle, and everyone else who feels the same way.

My cousin and his girlfriend had their beautiful baby boy yesterday. He is the most adorable thing ever and I am so very happy for them. That doesn't mean I didn't go sit in my car and cry for ten minutes after visiting them at the hospital because it is looking more and more likely that biological children is something I will never have. Doesn't take away my genuine joy at baby Tony's arrival, or my joy at the life I've been able to piece together out of the rubble, but this is nowhere near the life I expected to lead.

Yep. I often quiz myself on the alcohol (did I drink last night? How many nights in a row is this? Am I craving it?) because it's always in the back of my mind.

Yeah, if I have -- gasp! -- 2 drinks with dinner instead of 1, I'll start to wonder, "Is 2 drinks too many? What does that say? When's the last time I had a drink? Do I *need* the second drink, or do I just like the taste?"

But I can go days without it to no ill effect. So non-alcoholics-though-by-all-rights-we-should-be-UNITE!

Solidarity! Since I live with a non-drinker, I generally have a drink *maybe* 1 day out of 10. And these days, it's usually 2 drinks, max. But I still wonder, in the back of my head, if I'm okay.

A long time ago, my mom and I had the conversation that we couldn't *fathom* marrying a non-drinker. I mean, REALLY. The idea was laughable, and literally unthinkable.

So I think I've become healthier since then, because it doesn't bother me at all that Tim doesn't drink. (Well, once in a while I'd like to open a bottle of wine, but I know I'll only drink 2 glasses at most, and I don't want the rest of the un-drunk bottle to go bad, so I wish he drank simply to keep the bottle from going bad.)

When I called my father at age 86 to tell him he had twin grandsons on the way his response was "You're cutting it kind of close, aren't you?"

Ha!

Tep, that's so interesting, because he also doesn't eat meat, so there are two areas dining wise you don't match. I dated someone who didn't drink at all but, like me, was a pescatarian.

I tell you what, I WISH HE DRANK! I'd rather date a drinker who eats meat than a vegetarian who didn't drink. Because I am selfish and likes to have drunken make-out sessions even in my old age.