It's like, I feel fine with my own day-to-day, but I feel bad that I don't have a kid for my dad to play with.

My parents had four kids, and I know they were disappointed to find themselves reaching old-age without any grandchildren, even though they were careful to hide it. When I called my father at age 86 to tell him he had twin grandsons on the way his response was "You're cutting it kind of close, aren't you?"

Rick, HA!

Heh. Unsurprisingly, I'm sitting in the corner with Jesse, javachik, Tep, msbelle, and everyone else who feels the same way.

My cousin and his girlfriend had their beautiful baby boy yesterday. He is the most adorable thing ever and I am so very happy for them. That doesn't mean I didn't go sit in my car and cry for ten minutes after visiting them at the hospital because it is looking more and more likely that biological children is something I will never have. Doesn't take away my genuine joy at baby Tony's arrival, or my joy at the life I've been able to piece together out of the rubble, but this is nowhere near the life I expected to lead.

Yep. I often quiz myself on the alcohol (did I drink last night? How many nights in a row is this? Am I craving it?) because it's always in the back of my mind.

Yeah, if I have -- gasp! -- 2 drinks with dinner instead of 1, I'll start to wonder, "Is 2 drinks too many? What does that say? When's the last time I had a drink? Do I *need* the second drink, or do I just like the taste?"

But I can go days without it to no ill effect. So non-alcoholics-though-by-all-rights-we-should-be-UNITE!

Solidarity! Since I live with a non-drinker, I generally have a drink *maybe* 1 day out of 10. And these days, it's usually 2 drinks, max. But I still wonder, in the back of my head, if I'm okay.

A long time ago, my mom and I had the conversation that we couldn't *fathom* marrying a non-drinker. I mean, REALLY. The idea was laughable, and literally unthinkable.

So I think I've become healthier since then, because it doesn't bother me at all that Tim doesn't drink. (Well, once in a while I'd like to open a bottle of wine, but I know I'll only drink 2 glasses at most, and I don't want the rest of the un-drunk bottle to go bad, so I wish he drank simply to keep the bottle from going bad.)

When I called my father at age 86 to tell him he had twin grandsons on the way his response was "You're cutting it kind of close, aren't you?"

Ha!

Tep, that's so interesting, because he also doesn't eat meat, so there are two areas dining wise you don't match. I dated someone who didn't drink at all but, like me, was a pescatarian.

I tell you what, I WISH HE DRANK! I'd rather date a drinker who eats meat than a vegetarian who didn't drink. Because I am selfish and likes to have drunken make-out sessions even in my old age.

Tep, that's so interesting, because he also doesn't eat meat, so there are two areas dining wise you don't match.

I just keep him around for pity. (Winky emoticon.)

I tell you what, I WISH HE DRANK! I'd rather date a drinker who eats meat than a vegetarian who didn't drink. Because I am selfish and likes to have drunken make-out sessions even in my old age.

Tim is endlessly amused when I get tipsy, so I do get some drunken makeouts. And a perpetual designated drier.

And a perpetual designated drier.

Friends don't let friends do laundry drunk.

Aw, damn it. That's a funny typo!

My spouse eats meat and doesn't drink, except the occasional ice cream drink variety, or even rarer beer. It is kinda handy to have the designated drier in the family. (love the typo) I've cooked varied meals for our dietary needs for decades and it is no biggee.

Everyone has seen The Breakfast Club as many times as I have, right??

So many times. What is more amusing is that my 18yo has likely watched it more times than me. I think he has it memorized.

With the big 60 just around the corner this is about the first time that my life is resembling what I expected or anticipated. It has been decade after decade of just going with the flow since the plans never worked out as planned.

It isn't so much middle age crazy; I might even be past that! It is more like feeling an actual ability to create my life the way I want rather than being driven by outside forces.

I think I hit the jackpot with parents. My mother has always made me feel that the only thing she wanted was our happiness. No doubt she worries about all of us and might have wanted us to make different choices at times, but she has never once made us feel bad or guilty about our choices. Literally the only thing I have ever heard her bug any of us about was smoking. But since our dad died of lung cancer I get that one.