We had dinner with one of our faux-sons last night, and he was bemoaning how all the girls in Utah wanted to be pre-engaged within two months of meeting and that a couple of dates meant you were steady boy/girlfriends. He'd made the mistake of thinking a couple of moderate dates and some snuggles didn't mean he wasn't able to check out the possibilities with other girls. The proto-girlfriend said she'd been referring to him as her boyfriend, he wanted to know when he was going to be told he was someone's boyfriend, she assumed he's realized it since they were still together after a couple of months.

So we had to explain that in the Mormon Utah world, a young woman's first goal is to get a man and to not dawdle about it. A man our faux-son's age, nearly 25, is considered suspect if he's not married yet, and the targeting systems of girls and their mothers are being trained on him to get him properly corralled. There is a Mormon Church principle that says you don't need to spend a lot of time gauging compatibility, any marriage based on sound scripture principles will be successful, ie, any two faithful Mormon kids will do just fine together, spending too long on getting to know each other is just a path to temptation. Well, a young man and woman, that is (or boy and girl, considering the average age of first marriages around here).

Our friend doesn't like being hunted. All the girls he's interested in are playing a long-term game, and then there's the cougars who see a young, quite fit, handsome man and want to play. Hell, I confess to inappropriate thoughts about this young man, he's quite decorative. We need to get him out of Utah.

Oh Connie. The poor man.

Typo Boy, loved the Wendy's video! That's a great campaign.

I've definitely seen the "I swear I'm not a smoker" thing to get a certain amount off the insurance. And several times had the "do these steps and get $100 back". But not $100 a MONTH!! (I'm currently annoyed because I had an annual in January, and they didn't send the thing saying "have a doctor visit and get money!" until after that, so now the office would want money to complete the form, and it's my worth my time)

For the first time ever, I was asked by a student what my sign was to get a sense of our compatibility working together.

For the blood tests for this insurance thing, it looks like I'm going to have to get some totally superfluous ones done. I get my cholesterol tested yearly anyway, but for this, the test has to be done within a certain period if it's done by your regular doctor rather than by them, and my last test was just before that period started, and it ended last month. (No, I have no idea why the period for getting the test done by your regular doctor ended before they told us that we'd need to have it done.)

~ma, Maria!

We have optional health assessments and whatnot at work. For a while I was also receiving letters saying, basically, "You're a fat cow, so let this person with questionable medical credentials call you up and shame you regularly." I ignored them, and when someone in HR mentioned the practice (generally, not at me specifically) I told her I found them creepy and intrusive, and that discussions about my health would be between me and my doctor. The letters have since stopped. (And not because I've become magically slender.)

I'm nearly positive that, if they send automated letters with health advice based on our test results, then mine will say that I should eat less red meat and dairy. That's what automated health letters always tell me.

Calli,

You're a fat cow, so let this person with questionable medical credentials call you up and shame you regularly

You remind me of the nurse that assisted my previous, beloved doctor. She gave me really bad info that my doctor had to correct.

when someone in HR mentioned the practice (generally, not at me specifically) I told her I found them creepy and intrusive, and that discussions about my health would be between me and my doctor

I liked that you said this.

In regard to scaring listeners:

Nothing Rhymes With “Episiotomy”

Janie and I went to Marcia’s shower
expecting some pre-baby fun.
We arrived at her house at the agreed upon hour
and immediately wanted to run.
Marcia’s round belly was surrounded by girls who
regaled her with tales of their labor,
while Marcia grew paler and tried to grab onto
her wits, a life raft, or a saber.
“I pooped on the table,” said plump, old Aunt Pat,
(She made it sound like a boast).
Said Tiffany-Sue: “Oh, everyone does that.”
Marcia turned white as a ghost.
“For shame, now girls,” said reserved cousin Flo,
“Who cares ’bout your old lady bits?
Babies do much more damage as they grow.
Good heavens, just look at my tits!”
Within a half-hour I needed a shower
and Marcia and Janie looked faint.
“Why, that’s nothing” said gran, who fluttered her fan,
“You should see what they did to my taint!”
Of blood and of bile they prattled on blindly,
(By now Marcia was starting to heave.)
They showed c-section scars (a little unkindly).
It was clear that we needed to leave.
The talk of the girls
caused great twisting of pearls
and left us all thinking of options.
Janie’s decided to stay on the pill,
And I’m looking into adoption.

by Jenny Lawson edited to add line breaks