Overheard at work today

Both fun. It may be me, but I would think it would be good to have that kind of call to break the stress from time to time.

Given the rough night Em and I had (separate reasons, but kind of related), is it any wonder we both woke up super late? I'm letting her chill and do some reading and then I'll take her to school. She'll only be a little bit late, but not rushing and having a little time to chill will go a long way to us each having a good day, I think.

smonster was amazeballs last night. I am so appreciative of her and the general fact that we have each other's back when our brains go all wonky.

Aims, I knew I was a lot less worried about you when you said your plan was to call smonster. Deciding a chill morning is much more important than the possibility of being late is wise.

smonster, thank you for being there for her.

White-fonted for those who have triggers around child abuse. My parents abused me. I tend to not call it that, because it seems ... wrong, somehow. In my mind, it wasn't all that often, it was in times where I was legit in trouble, but the punishment meted out did not, in any way, match the crime. My parent's choice of discipline was the belt. Which I got quite a bit from the age of 6 until about 14. I hate calling it abuse because I love my parents, but it was. I still deal with that from time to time.

Last night, Emeline did not choose to finish her book at her grandparent's house and when she realized Joe was turning off the lights and she wasn't going to finish last night and has a test on her book this morning, she had an epic meltdown. EP.IC. She was overly tired, so that was part of it, but she was also freaked out because she has been Super Tween Drama Queen lately. Anyway. I was letting Joe handle it and I was on the couch. He was perfect - not raising his voice, not engaging the energy troll, reaffirming his position - no more book, go to sleep - and using his firm, but calm voice. He was also getting ready for bed and his belt buckle jangled. And I about lost it. He was NOT taking it off to threaten Em in any way shape or form, the man was just taking off his pants to go to bed. But the adrenaline started up, I thought I was going to throw up. I started shaking. I did some breathing and body proximity stuff I learned in therapy, but I needed to talk it out and I didn't want to bother Joe because he would feel bad and be up late and he gets up at 5am and this was already 11-something last night. I'll talk to him tonight so he knows what was up.

So, yeah. Having smonster there for me to talk to and get myself back to normal breathing and calmness was amazeballs.

And triggers can kiss my ass. For dang sure.

Oh, man, Aims. I am so sorry. But you handled something so horrible so well. That is huge.

Thanks, Nora. It's taken a lot of years and a lot of therapy to get here. And, to my parent's credit - who were both very ill and not treated themselves for a long, long time - they have been through a lot of therapy, as well. And, at times, each of us attending the others' sessions to address issues. Which is one of the reasons it just plain gets on my nerves and gets me annoyed at myself when the triggers happen because hi - resolved within the relationship. The relationships are healed. Scarred, yes. But healed. I'm not (outwardly) angry at them any more. There is still some residual, subconscious stuff there that might not ever go away, but that's okay. We have a good relationship. But for a long time, they were awful parents to me and treated me abominably.

I also wanted to hide the reaction from Emeline, because she loves her grandparents and I don't want to make her afraid of them. I don't know how or if I even should address that past with her when she's older. Hmmmm ... that's an interesting thought.

Aims, it's not the same thing (nothing is the same as anything else, though, is it?), but whenever I break/damage/destroy something, I still physically and mentally brace myself to get screamed at like it's the end of the fucking world, like putting a hole in the bathroom window screen means the house is about to collapse around us and it is ALL MY FAULT HOW COULD YOU DO THIS?!?!?!

Same thing; I dealt with it in therapy, and 8 years of being with someone who reacts proportionately to my ability to destroy things *still* hasn't gotten me to stop expecting the worst. (First time it happened, I dropped an almost-full plastic gallon jug of milk on the floor, and the vertical seam up the handle split open, and milk, being a liquid, went everywhere. I just...froze. And then started saying "I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry" over and over, and Tim just shrugged and said, "It's only milk," and grabbed the paper towels. I burst into tears.)

A big part of my therapy time these days is talking about how much I still want my parents to forgive me for making them so angry at me.

That's exactly it, Steph. Between her wailing and screaming and that stupid jangle, I was transported back to being 9 years old, and little, and in pain, and being confused about what was happening and ugh.

I'm all emotion-hungover this morning. I have some coffee and banana nut muffins and maybe my hate-watch (thanks, smonster for that phrase - I love it.) of VM season 3 will help me get regulated.