Appointment made for 10:45.

Quick and easy fix~ma, Andi.

Meh. I haven't actually felt dizzy today, but I went anyway since it was so bad yesterday. Doc says it's viral rather than bacterial, eustachian tube dysfunction, swollen up so fluid can't drain from ears and sinuses. Recommended I use the neti pot more often since I have one.

In a counterproductive move, I want to kill my dad. I just called him to see how he's doing, and he sounds basically fine. I asked him if he saw his doctors, and he said yes, and his sodium level is fine now. (I have no reason to disbelieve this, except that he kept calling it his "soda level," and not as a joke, so I begin to wonder how much of his conversation with his doctors is being accurately relayed to me.)

I asked him if he talked to his doctors about the medication causing his bad side effects (notably the confusion and very VERY bad tremors), and he said that "the doctor said none of his patients have ever had those kind of problems because it isn't a strong medication."

And I lost it. I started yelling at him, right there in my work hallway on my cell phone. I don't doubt that his doctor might not have seen any patients with such bad side effects, because not all drugs affect every patient the exact same way -- but there has to be a patient who's the first one the doctor has seen with those problems, and maybe patient #1 is Dad. The actual product information that the manufacturer has to include with the drug SAYS IT CAUSES TREMORS AND CONFUSION.

Dad said, "Well, you don't know what my doctors know."

All right then, stop fucking asking me for advice from now on. Ask your fucking doctors. I'm done.

I don't think I know *more* than doctors, nor have I ever claimed to. I don't have that kind of training and experience, nor have I ever claimed to. But I fucking well know how to READ, and I know how to comprehend and interpret actual research done on medications.

Whatever. I'm done. I care about what happens to him, I love him, I want him to be as healthy as possible. But I'm done trying to offer any useful, possibly helpful, input. Fuck it. Let his doctors figure it out. Fuck it.

Teppy, that just sucks when parents are that stubborn.

Even if he understood everything perfectly, his condition is draining more than just him. And right now? Yeah, I think taking a caregiver break (as opposed to a daughter break) is probably self defense for you, and for your relationship with him.

It's a shame he doesn't understand the amazing resource he has in you. My grandmother was the same way -- she wouldn't do anything my mom or uncle told her, but if a doctor said it, it was suddenly magic.

It's just that I keep worrying that what if my advice could prevent physical harm from happening (or continuing)? And then I tell myself he's an adult and can decide whose advice he wants to give credence to. And then I tell myself that his medical literacy isn't exactly awesome, and he does have a complex bunch of conditions. And then I tell myself that I can't make him do anything, because he's an adult with his own agency.

So that's what it comes down to. I dropped some knowledge on him, he can decide what to do with it. I hate like hell to see him so debilitated, but I can't *make* him do anything.

A break is a darn good thing, Teppy, when you need it. The only suggestion I would have is--and only if you have boatloads of time to spend on it--conference with his doctor, find out for yourself, and possibly ask the doctor to relay info to Dad in a more explicit, understandable way.

Or, you know, not. You've got a lot of fraught on your plate already right now. Being a daughter and not an advisor is a sane choice.

Good luck, Teppy. I hope you can take a break . I find it difficult to keep my mouth shut, but I wish you a better zipper than I have