Recently a dear mentor and friend turned down my offer to help him move. It was frustrating, because I was looking forward to doing some small thing to help balance the scales, and he wouldn't let me (for whatever reason). Think of the joy and satisfaction you get from helping people... and give them ways to feel that satisfaction by helping you. And that's another way to tell a true friend from an emotional vampire - how do they react when you ask, do they follow through, how do they maintain their boundaries?

Asking for help when you back is not against the wall.

I can't think of any time I've done this. Why would you ask for help if you weren't in desperate need of it? (That last question was sarcastic, pointed mainly at me and my less-than-a-month-away wedding which has reduced me to tears about 10 times today, once in the grocery store, because OH MY GOD SO MUCH TO DO.)

Asking for help when you back is not against the wall.

I can't think of any time I've done this. Why would you ask for help if you weren't in desperate need of it?

Ahahahahahahahahaha. (That would the be maniacal laughter of recognition, oh yes.)

Yeah, help is for when you can't handle something on your own. Otherwise, it's asking for someone to hang out while you work on something.

The counter should be (and I know this will be hard) that if they need an instant answer, the answer is "No"

If they balk at that, and want an instant answer, the answer is, "well, if I'm already committed to help someone else, I can't double book myself. How would you like it if I said I would help you, and then a week later back out of it because someone else asked for help after you?"

If that doesn't get them to think a little less selfish, then the answer is "most definitely NO!"

Add me to the list of people who can't bring myself to ask for help until it is almost too late.

Omni, too many openings in your countersuggestion for someone developing new self-defense skills. If you tell them the answer is no unless you have some time to think, and stick to it, 90% of the time they will choose giving time to think over an instant no. You don't want to argue against a skilled predator, especially if you don't have strong skills in that area.

And Bonnie. You described yourself as "naive". That is incorrect. You had boundaries violated by one of the two persons who was supposed to teach how to defend those boundaries. You have to pick up skills in social self-defense on your own. Not surprising that you learned only bare-bones survival self-defense against extreme immediate offense, and not how to defend yourself against people who violate your boundaries slowly, and with limited objectives.

You are awesome for having developed the self-defense skills you already have, especially in being able to cut people off once you realize you need to. Now you are ready to improve those self-defense skills, but no reason to beat yourself up for not having upped them sooner. Again, it is amazing that developed as many social self-defense skill as you have.

And I'm great at giving other people advice. I wish my skills when interacting with other people were at the same level as my advice.

Asking for help when you back is not against the wall.

This is so, so important. One thing I've found is that when my back is against the wall, gathering the wits, time, and energy to hand things off to other people is almost insurmountable.

On another notes, Teppy, I don't know if you've seen this, but I recall that it might be of interest to you.

On another notes, Teppy, I don't know if you've seen this, but I recall that it might be of interest to you.

I haven't, and that is awesome!