Seanie, I hope you can find some Zen, in whatever form it takes for you.
Epic! You're the only other person I've known with a cat named Ember! Is she a tortie? Ours was, bright orange stripes shining through dense black, it's how she got her name. She had the loveliest pansy face, dark velvet black nose and streaks of gold on cheeks and between her eyes.
Mine's mostly grey all over, so I started from "Ash", but she's got these sorta peachy-orange-colored streaks here and there, so "Ember".
Dumb as dirt, but sweet and beautiful.
I would pay serious money for this attitude. Mine's a literal rescue (irresponsible neighbor got foreclosed on and left at least 3 cats behind when they left - I tried to bring in Ember and her brother that I called "Jet" [black and super-fast and skittish], Ember was the only one bold enough to come with me when I drew them out of the junkyard of a backyard), but she was half-grown so she has a kind of half-feral attitude. Doesn't actually like us, won't stay in the same room, plus the aforementioned defecaton issues (and she sometimes pees on my bathroom rug, seriously, if I was less of an animal person, I don't even know...)
For me, the sticking point wasn't how people I denied my help would manage as much as the hit to my self image as a helper person.
That's why I called mine the "Gift" of No. Because in the church context it's so easy to feel like "God wants me to do it" or "if I were REALLY a good Christian..." It was a gift to realize that God didn't want me to physically and/or mentally and/or emotionally exhaust myself. That though it's good for me to do SOMETHING, I'm not required to do EVERYTHING.
I nearly typed that I don't want to impose on other people's freedoms, but I guess that isn't true. I totally DO want to impose on their freedom to be wasteful, dangerous or jerky.
Preach it, Sis.
I have yet to have a requester or my boss come back and try to change my no to a yes.
That must be nice. I have a serial offender at work, often asks (or worse, tells) me to do stuff not my job, never has her own shit together, yet gets up in everybody else's grill if they're even a moment late on something, blames others, etc, etc. I alwayc copy my boss on communications with her, so when she tries to go over my head to bitch, my boss can say, "actually, the way I understood it is..." and 99.9% of the time backs me. But again, you have to be aware of and willing to defend your boundaries.
And in other news, hit my fave bookstore today (though I SO don't need any more books) because they were having a promotion (giving away free books...shutup). My favorite guy was working and we were alone in the store for several minutes, so totally got to chat/flirt with him. I'd love to ask him out for coffee or something, but I fear that if he said no I'd never be able to set foot in my favorite bookstore again. How do guys ever get up the nerve for this? Respect. :)
Bonnie,and again I want to emphasize that just because you are probably going to say yes does not mean you have to say yes right away. Build a habit of telling them you need time to think. That way you can weigh your impulse to be a giver against your needs. if someone needs a favor three days from now, they can wait until tonight to find out whether you will do it. That way you have time to figure out whether the favor will use too many spoons, and in the likely event you decide you will do it, what conditions you want to put on it to make sure it does not become a bigger energy suck than planned.
Yep. I'm instituting a moratorium on the instant yes.
Right now, I really need to figure out how to get over myself.
I'm awake in the middle of the night, fuming and burning my stomach, because I'm so angry with the former friend for being who she is...which is not actually worth my time or pain.
It doesn't matter how right I am or how petty she is...all that matters is what I do from this point forward.
And what I'm doing is being petty.
Blergh.
Bonny I don't think you're being petty. It's hurtful to have people you think you have a trusting, loving friendship with turn out to be something other than you thought. It's been happening to me, lately, and I realize that it's just plain old hurt. Please don't beat yourself up about it. You're on the right track with learning to set boundaries. It will get better.
it's just plain old hurt
This is totally it. Logically, I realize that, but it's not powering down my useless indignation.
Thanks for the virtual hug, java. I sincerely appreciate both the sentiment and the validation.
Remember bonny, that holding on to that resentment is letting someone who wronged you live rent-free in your head (awkward paraphrase of Dear Abby or Ann Landers). When I find myself dwelling on something, good or bad, I'll try to use it as a trigger for positive thought in a different direction. (I first started this technique when I was seeing a new guy and was annoying even myself with my constant thoughts of him, so I made the rule that whenever I caught myself thinking of him, I had to take a moment to pray for someone else. It was great! Helped me to stop obsessing over him, and I felt good about praying for so many others that I'd usually be "too busy" to focus on). Maybe you can use it as a reminder to focus positive energy, take a deep breath, think positive thoughts about loved ones or friends (who don't suck), or some variation thereof.
Oooh, I like that idea, Epic. I am having lots of stress and resentment at/about work, so when I catch myself ruminating (as opposed to pondering constructive solutions) on the work stress I will take a moment to find something to be thankful for. Deliberate gratitude has helped me manage stress in the past, but I have been lazy about it lately.
I made the rule that whenever I caught myself thinking of him, I had to take a moment to pray for someone else.
That is an awesome plan, Epic!
And by that, I mean, I am full of awe at its wisdom and usefulness.
Thank you so much. I'm totally doing that.
In the meanwhile, I watched a tv show and ate a lot of bread with almond butter. It sufficiently distracted me to stop the raging.
Now, I'm going to go back to bed and, no doubt, pray for a lot of people who might not otherwise get my focus.
I'm actually feeling really good about this plan.
Did I say thank you? Let me say it again! Not only to Epic for this timely idea, but for all the support, wisdom and [fill in the blank with whatever mushy stuff you can tolerate].
I am truly grateful.
Thank you so much.
You're totally welcome! You know I love to help! ;)
