I don't need to be a helper for the prestige (or whatever) that comes from being that kind of person. I don't really even know how to explain it. It's like a physical requirement of living.

When I was in the hospital the other year, we would sit down to meals as a group. Even there I found myself helping other patients open jello and yogurt containers, helping them during other group activities. I could not turn it off.

It's funny, there is a whole different vibe helping someone you know very well can never help you in return, than helping someone who is capable of returning a favor. Then too, I have also learned to discern better than I used to when someone is trying to get me to do for them something they should be doing for themselves.

Some people are surprised and even suspicious of someone offering to help.

And so so many people take advantage. Once I'm doing X for them, it's easy for them to ask me for Y and just assume that of course I'll do Z...

Both of these never fail to floor me.

That's true. Because I "make it work", sometimes people don't make the effort to have their shit together when I'm dealing with them. And I don't just mean my mom :)

omg, this too. If some people _can_ rely on me, they will _expect_ to rely on me and often in childish and resentful ways.

The majority of the people I have let go over the last few years.

I found myself helping other patients open jello and yogurt containers, helping them during other group activities. I could not turn it off.

Yep. I also help other people win games, totally unconsciously. It isn't that I am not competitive or ambitious, but I don't see anything wrong with collective success!

It's funny, there is a whole different vibe helping someone you know very well can never help you in return, than helping someone who is capable of returning a favor.

I have total respect for the 'teach a man to fish' philosophy...as long as it is supportive, if not loving. But, yeah. I know greater joy helping strangers on the street than I sometimes do with people I know well.

Job hunters! Copperbadge, of fanfic and tumblr fame, recently posted a systematic approach to job hunting. I thought it looked super useful.

Link opened in new tab! For tomorrow, because I am falling over tired after camping.

bonny, I think recognizing emotional/interpersonal patterns that you need to change is tremendous. I really wonder how many people are self-aware enough to recognize when they're stuck in a harmful pattern.

You will ALWAYS be a helper and give SO generously of yourself. I have no doubt of that. And as you come to recognize the situations that would be unhealthy for you, you're going to end up conserving your own energies, which you can turn around and continue to share.

And if it helps (I don't know if it will, but it's a thought that occurred to me), if you feel guilty about saying No to the people who are thoughtless emotional vampires -- those people will ALWAYS manage to find someone to help them. Count on it. As surely as you were born to help others, emotional vampires are wired to get their needs met, one way or another. But it doesn't have to be you any more.

I really wonder how many people are self-aware enough to recognize when they're stuck in a harmful pattern.

This is a powerful question.

I've said, more than once, that I am doomed to constant introspection, which I wish I could say with more pride.

Socrates said an unexamined life is not worth living. I can say that a minutely observed life is a pain in the backside because that means you are never finished. Never able to take a break from 'character building opportunities.' I get bored with my own self.

you're going to end up conserving your own energies, which you can turn around and continue to share.

emotional vampires -- those people will ALWAYS manage to find someone to help them.

True facts!

Cheers.

Steph! I found some advice for writing one's wedding vows that I thought I should share. Mostly for the first panel. [link]

Ha! The guy on the left in that comic looks and sounds justlike one of my first grooms 10 years ago!

I'm totally forwarding that to him.

if you feel guilty about saying No to the people who are thoughtless emotional vampires -- those people will ALWAYS manage to find someone to help them.

I ask myself, what would they do if I weren't here? Would they manage, or would they be left with no recourse? It's almost always the first one.

I realized I wasn't helping because they really NEEDED me (or needed ME), but that I felt obligated to help simply because they wanted me to. I realized that I got taught this as a little kid, mostly by my grandmother: that if I wasn't giving the people around me everything they wanted from me and not bothering them when they didn't want me, then I was a Bad Girl and Burden on Everyone. Man, it took 40 years to pry that out of my head.

One of my work goals is being better about saying no to requests. Whenever I do, I cc my boss because it is something we have talked about and I have yet to have a requester or my boss come back and try to change my no to a yes. Kinda nice to have someone to be accountable to for my "no"s.

Seanie, I hope you can find some Zen, in whatever form it takes for you.

Epic! You're the only other person I've known with a cat named Ember! Is she a tortie? Ours was, bright orange stripes shining through dense black, it's how she got her name. She had the loveliest pansy face, dark velvet black nose and streaks of gold on cheeks and between her eyes.

Mine's mostly grey all over, so I started from "Ash", but she's got these sorta peachy-orange-colored streaks here and there, so "Ember".

Dumb as dirt, but sweet and beautiful.

I would pay serious money for this attitude. Mine's a literal rescue (irresponsible neighbor got foreclosed on and left at least 3 cats behind when they left - I tried to bring in Ember and her brother that I called "Jet" [black and super-fast and skittish], Ember was the only one bold enough to come with me when I drew them out of the junkyard of a backyard), but she was half-grown so she has a kind of half-feral attitude. Doesn't actually like us, won't stay in the same room, plus the aforementioned defecaton issues (and she sometimes pees on my bathroom rug, seriously, if I was less of an animal person, I don't even know...)

For me, the sticking point wasn't how people I denied my help would manage as much as the hit to my self image as a helper person.

That's why I called mine the "Gift" of No. Because in the church context it's so easy to feel like "God wants me to do it" or "if I were REALLY a good Christian..." It was a gift to realize that God didn't want me to physically and/or mentally and/or emotionally exhaust myself. That though it's good for me to do SOMETHING, I'm not required to do EVERYTHING.

I nearly typed that I don't want to impose on other people's freedoms, but I guess that isn't true. I totally DO want to impose on their freedom to be wasteful, dangerous or jerky.

Preach it, Sis.

I have yet to have a requester or my boss come back and try to change my no to a yes.

That must be nice. I have a serial offender at work, often asks (or worse, tells) me to do stuff not my job, never has her own shit together, yet gets up in everybody else's grill if they're even a moment late on something, blames others, etc, etc. I alwayc copy my boss on communications with her, so when she tries to go over my head to bitch, my boss can say, "actually, the way I understood it is..." and 99.9% of the time backs me. But again, you have to be aware of and willing to defend your boundaries.

And in other news, hit my fave bookstore today (though I SO don't need any more books) because they were having a promotion (giving away free books...shutup). My favorite guy was working and we were alone in the store for several minutes, so totally got to chat/flirt with him. I'd love to ask him out for coffee or something, but I fear that if he said no I'd never be able to set foot in my favorite bookstore again. How do guys ever get up the nerve for this? Respect. :)

Bonnie,and again I want to emphasize that just because you are probably going to say yes does not mean you have to say yes right away. Build a habit of telling them you need time to think. That way you can weigh your impulse to be a giver against your needs. if someone needs a favor three days from now, they can wait until tonight to find out whether you will do it. That way you have time to figure out whether the favor will use too many spoons, and in the likely event you decide you will do it, what conditions you want to put on it to make sure it does not become a bigger energy suck than planned.