For me, the sticking point wasn't how people I denied my help would manage as much as the hit to my self image as a helper person. That can take some adjustment.

Oh Beverly. Again, you are me.

I need to go back and read the "Helping Prison" chapter of Ram Dass' "How Can I Help?"

I don't need to be a helper for the prestige (or whatever) that comes from being that kind of person. I don't really even know how to explain it. It's like a physical requirement of living.

Or something.

It reminds me of a huge fight I had with an employer nearly 30 years ago about tossing a gum wrapper out a speeding car window.

I was _appalled_...seriously breathless. Her defensive/angry response was, "It's just one." As if there was zero awareness that it was one in millions.

I guess the lesson there ought to have been that very, very few people see the world the way I do...though more now than ever before...and that I have to somehow find peace with that.

I cannot allow myself to improperly dispose of things...littering, not picking up after my dog, imposing on other people's space/kindness, etc. I just can't do it.

Anyway, I need to do some thinking about how to figure out the middle ground.

Second thought: I nearly typed that I don't want to impose on other people's freedoms, but I guess that isn't true. I totally DO want to impose on their freedom to be wasteful, dangerous or jerky.

Conundrum.

I completely understand, bonny. I confronted a littering driver--with my kids in the car. And then had to caution them *not* to follow my example, but to find other ways to use that anger productively.

And then we picked up litter at a local park. Their opinion was, it was more fun to yell at litterers than to have to work cleaning up after them.

Job hunters! Copperbadge, of fanfic and tumblr fame, recently posted a systematic approach to job hunting. I thought it looked super useful. [link]

And then we picked up litter at a local park. Their opinion was, it was more fun to yell at litterers than to have to work cleaning up after them.

Oh so true, though one precipitates a tangible result while the other is often just wasted air.

Sigh.

I'm also a person who always wants to say yes. Whenever someone mentions a problem, my kneejerk reaction is how can I fix it. It's so hard to bite my tongue and not offer my help. It almost never goes well. Some people are surprised and even suspicious of someone offering to help. And so so many people take advantage. Once I'm doing X for them, it's easy for them to ask me for Y and just assume that of course I'll do Z... Now I just assume that anything I do will take longer than I expected, involve more hassle and inconvenience than I planned for, and possibly cost me money. If I'm not willing to take the chance of that with this person, then I don't do it.

I hate asking for help because I figure I'm imposing on people.

I hate asking for help because I figure I'm imposing on people.

I know this feeling, all too well.

Imagine my shock when she said, "You don't cry enough." Meaning, my self-sufficient, 'I can handle anything' persona makes it easier for people to take advantage of me.

That's true. Because I "make it work", sometimes people don't make the effort to have their shit together when I'm dealing with them. And I don't just mean my mom :)

I don't need to be a helper for the prestige (or whatever) that comes from being that kind of person. I don't really even know how to explain it. It's like a physical requirement of living.

When I was in the hospital the other year, we would sit down to meals as a group. Even there I found myself helping other patients open jello and yogurt containers, helping them during other group activities. I could not turn it off.

It's funny, there is a whole different vibe helping someone you know very well can never help you in return, than helping someone who is capable of returning a favor. Then too, I have also learned to discern better than I used to when someone is trying to get me to do for them something they should be doing for themselves.

Some people are surprised and even suspicious of someone offering to help.

And so so many people take advantage. Once I'm doing X for them, it's easy for them to ask me for Y and just assume that of course I'll do Z...

Both of these never fail to floor me.

That's true. Because I "make it work", sometimes people don't make the effort to have their shit together when I'm dealing with them. And I don't just mean my mom :)

omg, this too. If some people _can_ rely on me, they will _expect_ to rely on me and often in childish and resentful ways.

The majority of the people I have let go over the last few years.

I found myself helping other patients open jello and yogurt containers, helping them during other group activities. I could not turn it off.

Yep. I also help other people win games, totally unconsciously. It isn't that I am not competitive or ambitious, but I don't see anything wrong with collective success!

It's funny, there is a whole different vibe helping someone you know very well can never help you in return, than helping someone who is capable of returning a favor.

I have total respect for the 'teach a man to fish' philosophy...as long as it is supportive, if not loving. But, yeah. I know greater joy helping strangers on the street than I sometimes do with people I know well.