Okay, I'm not doing very well right now. I'm sick, for one thing, which I am well aware just makes everything harder. My dad is in the hospital -- he has an angiogram at 3:30 to see if he has a blockage. I don't even want to deal with it, with his utterly passive attitude toward the healthcare he receives (or doesn't receive), at all. At all. I am so over it. Tim asked me last night if I was going to visit my dad in the hospital at all, and said that *he* wanted to, and that we should go. So I feel pretty ashamed about being utterly exhausted by Chapter Infinity in the cardiac circus.

And I've got to get a resume together and start looking for jobs, and I am having a really hard time. I'm actually embarrassed to even talk about it, because I am a grown-ass adult who should be able to DO THIS, and I'm just sort of stuck and freaked out and not talking about it because I'm afraid that everyone will either yell at me or tell me I'm being ridiculous or being a baby or just not even want to deal with my bullshit. I didn't even talk about it with Tim until last night, and I was so full of Ativan at that point that I wasn't freaked out, just kind of numb, but I am currently freaking out. Hard. I mean really. I mean crying and shaking while I'm typing this.

I am convinced -- like, as sure as I know the sun will come up tomorrow -- that I'm unemployable and not qualified for anything, including jobs that are *literally* what I just spent the last 18 years doing. Like anything I do, any place that I might get a job at, I'll have to start all over again like I'm 21 years old and make minimum wage.

I don't know why I'm so convinced of that. I have no idea. None. But I am completely sure of it. There's a company that provides editing services on academic/scientific papers, to people who are primarily ESL, but who wrote their paper in English. THIS IS WHAT I HAVE DONE FOR 18 YEARS. (Not all the articles were by ESL authors, but a fair percentage of them were.) This is a job that is made for me, almost literally.

And I'm 100% convinced that if I send them my (non-existent) resume, they will laugh and pass it around in disbelief that someone like me would even try to get a job there, and then their rejection letter will just be an e-mail with a link to Nelson from the Simpsons laughing.

Possibly I need some therapy. Tim actually suggested this last night.

So I'm convinced I'm unemployable in any capacity. But I really need to actually look for a job. And I sat down to try to put a resume together, because if I don't do that, I really can't go any further, and I am just stuck. I look at How To Write A Resume websites, and I panic.

I'm really not doing okay. And I just needed to say it. Yet again. I'm sorry to keep whining about this, when other people have much bigger problems, things that are *actually* problems. I know this isn't even a fucking problem, if I would just grow the fuck up and get over myself and just do what needs to be done. But I just needed to say out loud what's been going on in my head for a week now. Not saying it has been really rough on my stupid brain.

No, no no, Tep. This is super stressful, and you are not crazy for feeling like this.

Do NOT panic. You are eminently employable. I will HELP YOU. You are not alone. If you want to do it yourself, because you can't afford it, I will still help you. It's OK.

This is doable.

Sometimes it helps to just say it out loud, as it were. What you're feeling, and what you know objectively, don't always match. Therapy and ADs are good for that, but sometimes it's just a matter of gritting your teeth and getting through it.

It's bound to be hard -- it's been a long time since you looked for a job! And it's nobody's favorite thing to do. For now, maybe break it down slowly -- put together one piece of your resume this afternoon, the education part, for instance. Little steps eventually take you where you need to go.

Teppy, your brain is telling you things that are not true. I don't know what way will be useful for you to combat those untruths. It might be time to snark at that voice: if you were really fooling everyone so hard for so long about your abilities as an editor, why then, your proper job is as an actor, so time to go out on auditions.

As for not being able to get your resume together, no one finds it easy. Many people find it next to impossible and hire a service. Many people who know that the one they throw together is less than the best, so they ask for help. If the voice in your head is saying, "but you are an editor, you should be able to do this," I say, BALONEY! You are under stress, you are sick, you are worried about your dad, and you are planning a wedding. Plus being an editor doesn't prepare one for writing about oneself in quite that way. Writing a resume is not like writing anything else on the planet. The things that make sense in those things do not work for putting any other kind of paragraph together. If this is not in your wheelhouse, it is not because you have NO wheelhouse.

I hope what I am saying helps rather than makes things worse.

{{{{{{{Steph}}}}}}}}

I am looking forward to seeing you in November and giving you a big hug. And also something else.

I'm sorry, Steph. You are in an incredibly stressful situation, with multiple stressors on all sides. Be forgiving with yourself.

You guys are awesome. I love you.

Strix, I'll e-mail you later this afternoon. I can certainly afford you (unless your pricing scheme involves eye of newt or unicorn horn), and I'm happy to support a friend's business rather than some random place. I'm going to go run some errands right now while I feel decent, and I'll e-mail you when I get back.

sometimes it's just a matter of gritting your teeth and getting through it.

I think this is seriously where I am. I just need to get started, and then I think my own momentum will keep me going. It's just daunting.

I hope what I am saying helps rather than makes things worse.

Definitely helps. (Except I probably won't become an actor. Or MAYBE I WILL.)

I am looking forward to seeing you in November and giving you a big hug.

I seriously had to think about this for a minute. "Shit, did I get drunk and promise to visit? Would I do that? No, I would do that. But DID I do that?"

And then I remembered! Columbus! November 10!

And also something else.

A PONY?!?

Good luck with the house, Aims! As someone who's also in the middle of move-related stress, you have a ton of sympathy.

((((Steph))))

If I may toss out an idea....

Take a deep breath, then accomplish something. It almost doesn't matter what. Make a peanut butter sandwich for lunch, maybe. Whatever, just break the mental paralysis.

Whatever, just break the mental paralysis.

I'm going to run some errands. Getting out of the house will be good. And I drank the last of the milk.