Katie bee! In case you come back, please email me. I tried to email you a week or so ago and your old email addy is defunct.

Java is so skinny and frail. He's been through so much jabbing and testing the last few months with the diabetes. I'm amazed at how resilient he is. He's 20 years and four months around now, Thanksgiving being his adoption date. Every month is a big step at that age. 97 in human years. My boy. I realized a few weeks ago that I got him after I broke up with Henry and then Peter, so Java's been my main man the entire time I've been the sole owner of my house.

I'm watching the Oscar nom'd movies that I missed in theaters. I loved Captain Fantastic. Could've watched another two hours of them. I've watched Arrival three times now. Love it and will prob watch again before returning it. Sully was interesting, I'm not a visual person, the imaginary possibilities brought the scary factor home. I have but haven't watched Jackie, Loving, Hacksaw Ridge, Deepwater Horizon, and Eagle Huntress. All the library requests came at once!

And there's good tv to watch, The Americans tops among many. Wasn't it here that I read about Emerald Road? I know it was a Buffista, but it might have been on Facebook though.

I'm still hanging in there with the Walking Dead, but I think I'm just waiting for them to kill off another major character so I can say the heck with you and walk away. One thing I hate about that show as the way they pretend it isn't hot in Georgia. Every actor talks about how hot they are during the filming, and they've got them in these huge wigs and leather jackets. Couldn't they take a page from Fury Road and all of them shave their heads like Furiosa, or at least consistently have short hair? It just makes more sense, it's logical. I really can't stand either Carl or Daryl's hair, that floppy in the eyes thing is so annoying to watch.

I hate therapy sometimes. I mean, yeah I'm finally digging into the deeply seated things but...it's increasing my anxiety and that is making it hard to get excited about Scolapalooza this weekend.

So, last night when I got home at midnight, after unpacking my suitcase, I went to take my night time meds and discovered that somehow in two days I was gone, I missed taking a whole day's worth of pills. No wonder I felt so off yesterday. Come on, Suz, you know better.

But I definitely had a gut punch feeling of missing my mom, who died almost 8 years ago (inconceivable), my Persian grandma who passed 20+ years ago, and my dad who is still alive but lives so far away. In preparing for Norouz - the first time I've done this by myself - I didn't give them all that much thought other than wanting to follow tradition as my dad has done and share NoRouz with my friends.

The kind words from a Persian family who doesn't know me, only overhead what I was sharing with my coworkers/dining companions, made me really miss that...validation...from my own family.

How does that happen? I didn't go into this wanting to meet some standard set by any of them. I knew I was blazing my own path, doing the things *I* like about the celebration. Total naval gazing, gang. Sorry. I just want to shake this sadness that hasn't let go since it hit me two days ago.

ETA - So glad I'm back at my home office because I'm ugly crying now.

You know how, if the anniversary of a loved one's death is approaching, you can (kind of) prepare for it? You know you'll feel sad, but you know it's coming, so you're ready for it.

It sounds like in this case, you weren't ready for it, because you didn't expect all those feelings to be stirred up. So that packs an extra wallop. Be kind to yourself.

{{{Suzi}}} I think sometimes doing well (in this case, doing the celebration on your own and very successfully) allows you to feel the loss more and kindness has a way of unleashing sorrow. Bittersweet.

Teppy and -t. Yep.

I'm blasting metal while working and I haven't cried since that last post - progress?

Definitely progress. I just want to say that in all the years you have been posting, that your journey to independence and the way you raise your family with such thoughtful care and take pride in your work and took care of your mom all inspires a lot of admiration in me. You are an amazing woman.

And Scrappy sets off the water works again.

But "Scrappy is wise" is a thing for a reason, so I'll just say thank you for your words. I take them to heart and very much appreciate your appraisal. Even when I'm not sure sure about it myself. Arg. Scratch that last part. Thank you.

Wow... Do I know how to kill a thread or what.

Use your powers for good, Suzi.

I'm sorry you got blindsided by the grief. It does get better. You just have to kinda brace yourself for the tidal wave.