I hate therapy sometimes. I mean, yeah I'm finally digging into the deeply seated things but...it's increasing my anxiety and that is making it hard to get excited about Scolapalooza this weekend.

So, last night when I got home at midnight, after unpacking my suitcase, I went to take my night time meds and discovered that somehow in two days I was gone, I missed taking a whole day's worth of pills. No wonder I felt so off yesterday. Come on, Suz, you know better.

But I definitely had a gut punch feeling of missing my mom, who died almost 8 years ago (inconceivable), my Persian grandma who passed 20+ years ago, and my dad who is still alive but lives so far away. In preparing for Norouz - the first time I've done this by myself - I didn't give them all that much thought other than wanting to follow tradition as my dad has done and share NoRouz with my friends.

The kind words from a Persian family who doesn't know me, only overhead what I was sharing with my coworkers/dining companions, made me really miss that...validation...from my own family.

How does that happen? I didn't go into this wanting to meet some standard set by any of them. I knew I was blazing my own path, doing the things *I* like about the celebration. Total naval gazing, gang. Sorry. I just want to shake this sadness that hasn't let go since it hit me two days ago.

ETA - So glad I'm back at my home office because I'm ugly crying now.

You know how, if the anniversary of a loved one's death is approaching, you can (kind of) prepare for it? You know you'll feel sad, but you know it's coming, so you're ready for it.

It sounds like in this case, you weren't ready for it, because you didn't expect all those feelings to be stirred up. So that packs an extra wallop. Be kind to yourself.

{{{Suzi}}} I think sometimes doing well (in this case, doing the celebration on your own and very successfully) allows you to feel the loss more and kindness has a way of unleashing sorrow. Bittersweet.

Teppy and -t. Yep.

I'm blasting metal while working and I haven't cried since that last post - progress?

Definitely progress. I just want to say that in all the years you have been posting, that your journey to independence and the way you raise your family with such thoughtful care and take pride in your work and took care of your mom all inspires a lot of admiration in me. You are an amazing woman.

And Scrappy sets off the water works again.

But "Scrappy is wise" is a thing for a reason, so I'll just say thank you for your words. I take them to heart and very much appreciate your appraisal. Even when I'm not sure sure about it myself. Arg. Scratch that last part. Thank you.

Wow... Do I know how to kill a thread or what.

Use your powers for good, Suzi.

I'm sorry you got blindsided by the grief. It does get better. You just have to kinda brace yourself for the tidal wave.

Neil Gaiman just responded to my tweet. Of course it was a picture of ltc kissing one of his books. So, how could he resist?